Barbie at the Bat
(with deepest apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer for mangling his classic)
by Melody Clark

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Mulder tribe that day;
The Dawg had done his job and brought our program back to stay.
And Duchovney finally split, but GA, our classy dame,
Said "I like the number 9 and think I'll carry on the game".

The tides of fawning shippers scarce believed their tiny ears
How could Dana Katherine Scully without her Spooky remain there!
They thought if only 'shippers spoke about their rage to poor CC --
They'd be the first tv fans in history to get their program OFF tv.

Doggett's Bitch preceded Spooky, and they two created SHODDS,
For they came to love the Doggett for his cool grace and hot bod;
Then more fans beheld the fact that Dana Scully banged John's gong,
And they knew the noble Dawg was meant for Scully all along.

The SHODDS numbers quickly climbed, with new believers in the pair,
Up the Yahoo ranks it rose when e'er a Mulder episode would air;
But the 'shippers were undaunted, they hoped FOX would spell the end,
For the show they claimed to love, methinks we doth can see a trend.

But FOX had seen the ratings...the TVQ stats...and all the letters,
They saw the feedback mood go up: Mulderless ratings -- they got better!
From Fox Marketing to far front office, rang a shout through 1013
They did not require Duchovney to keep the series on the screen!

Renewed for a ninth season? sobbed the Barbie shipperdom!
They clutched their Little Barbie hearts and smacked their cherry Bubbleyum,
But what a Barbie shipper wants, they said, a Barbie shipper gets,
And they took a Barbie oath against the scribes of Doggett fics.

But the more the pink brigade protested, the more fans of firmer stead,
Saw Mulder/Scully wasn't harmed by potential Doggett/Scully plots ahead,
For they'd had their tonsil hockey, and their apparent Mulder foal,
And we'd all remind the Barbieshippers, THIS IS A GODDAMNED TV SHOW!

Doggett/Scully fan fic writers became pariah in their eyes,
And they held us up for scorn, but through it all to their surprise,
We embraced it as an honor to be so hated by these shippers,
And we taunted them along with cries like "win one for the Dippers!"

But the kiss confirmed their truth, they said, the baby must be Mulder's,
And the plot twist had been wrought not in the Dish but under covers.
But if the Barbieshippers had just stayed awake through freshman biochemistry,
They'd know the beast from Mulder's pants could ne'er explain young 
William's mystery.

Beside all the UST with all the silly fannish factions,
The X-Files mythos stands despite mere chemical attractions,
There are more important things in this beloved cultural meme,
And more things in Carter's plan than Barbieshipperdom can dream.

For there is no real X-Files, this is all just make-believe,
And what we wish to think has happened, is what we all can choose to see,
Robert, Gillian, and David work as actors for a living,
Instead of snarks we might say thanks for what they've given and are giving.

For somewhere in this fannish web the fun is still in sight;
Some of us go on creating, enrich our own and others' lives;
But pity the frothing shippers, with their berry lipgloss pouts,
Season 9 will still go forward -- Barbieshipper WILL strike out.

*SHODDS, "BarbieShipper", et al, the genius of Doggett's Bitch. I'm but 
her humble songcatcher.