Title: Damaged goods

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category: DSR

Spoiler: Deadalive

Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where

Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles

Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se

Summary: Doggett confesses his feelings to himself but 
will tell her the truth? 

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.



I wish sometimes that I didn't care about her. I wish that I
didn't care at all. But I can't just stand back and watch
her ram her head against the wall over and over again. I 
see the pain that this cause her and I try not to let that 
bother me. This is not my fight. But I want to be there for
her. Since the day we met she has pushed me away. Many should
have backed off as soon as they met her. That day when I first
met her I could see something inside her. I saw fire in her
eyes and anger. But behind that wall she keeps around her 
heart was a strength and honesty that I admire. I wasn't 
looking for someone to admire, to care about. I tried really
hard to shut her out of my heart. But I failed. 

She didn't want me in her life. She even hated me. And I was 
foolish enough to lose my heart. I have only loved once in my 
life and look what that brought me. I'm alone. 

Now he's back. The man she loves. I want to take her in my
arms when she walks up to me and looks at me. She's crying now.

I wish I could spare her this pain. I wish I could take her 
away her pain somehow. She doesn't deserve this. I know that
she wants to see him and I know that not even wild horses 
can drag her away from his side. I watch as she enters his room.

I wish she wouldn't. I know it's not my place to tell her to
do anything. But still I stand her wanting to hold her. 

One week later.

Today is the day that he'll return. I know I should be happy 
and believe me I am. But apart of me wishes that he would 
stay away. I know that I'm being selfish. But I can't help
myself. I want her for myself. I feel like a child fighting
over a toy. I know that there is not so much to fight for.

He has already won. I used to think that I could fill Mulder
shoes. But she let me know from the start that wasn't possible.
No one could ever fill his shoes.

Maybe it was foolish of me to try. But I wanted to prove to 
her that I was worthy. Maybe I was proving to her that I was
worthy of her love. I don't know. I don't know anything 
anymore. I feel so tired walking around in circles, hiding 
my feelings. I have never been brave when it comes to love. 

I have never considered myself being good-looking. So I have
always been amazed that women are attracted to me. But I 
have never been in love. Just once. I never thought I ever
would fall in love. So I put that dream away with all the 
others. Then she came around. Her name was Barbara and fell
head over heals in love. It was such a wonderful feeling 
being in love. We were so young then. We were ready to take on
the world. We got married as soon as we could.

I went in to the army and fought for my country. She stood by
side, always believing in me. Then he came along. I will 
always love her for giving him to me. Luke. He was the miracle
I had longed for in my life. He was perfect. He was a blessing
from heaven. I thanked god for every moment I got to spend 
with him. He was such a beautiful smile. He had smile that
could warm your heart in a second. But we were torn apart by
the dark forces. I know, I shouldn't think about it. But not
a day goes by when I don't think about him. He's apart of me.
He's my flesh and blood. I know that I should accept the 
things I can't change. He's gone and there's nothing I can do
to change that. I know there are still so much answers I long 
for but I can't live my life searching for answers that I 
might never get. I have to live the life god has given me. 

I know we'll meet again. Maybe not tomorrow, but one day.
Barbara and I drifted apart when Luke disappeared. She lost 
her way in the clouds of sorrow that entered our life and I
was so angry at the world that I didn't see her. I know I was
blind and selfish. I know that now. But I still think that
I wasn't alone in this. She pushed me away as I pushed her 
away. I don't blame her. Maybe it was the right for us to
end the marriage. I knew somewhere inside that we could never
find the way back to the way things were before Luke. I wish
her all the best. I talk to her sometimes on the phone. 
She's happy. She's engaged to be married. I'm glad. She 
deserves all the happiness life brings her. 

I feel it hard sometimes looking over my shoulder and remember
all those faces and all those places from the past. I know
that you should cherish the past. Believe me, I do. But 
there's part of my life that I just want to forget. I know
that those parts have mold the man that I am today and I 
should be grateful for the lessons they have taught me. But
still I want to close my eyes and forget. 

- John? What's wrong?

Scully's voice wakes me from my daydreaming. She's standing 
in the doorway to the office. She looks lovely. She's gotten 
some color back on those cheeks of her and the sorrow that
once painted her eyes are now all gone. All because of him. 

- What are you doing here, Scully? Shouldn't you be with 
Mulder?

She enters the office and walks up to my desk and sits down
on a chair beside it. She smiles a bite when I mention his 
name. It hurts to see her smile.

- Yes. I will. I was just picking up some files that I left
here before. I thought I should brief Mulder of what has 
happen since he was away.

Just like that. I want to hide away from her. I fear if I look
into her eyes now she would see the sorrow that lives there.
I have lost her. I know I should back off all let her be happy.

- John, what's wrong?

- Nothing. Why should anything be wrong?


I rise and open the file cabinet. My back is turn to her. Why
can't she just leave me alone? Why can't she just go so I can
nurse this broken heart? I can hear her rise and I feel her
behind me. My hands tremble as I reach for her files. I need
to be strong now.

- Please, John. Tell me what's wrong. Maybe I can help.
In that moment I wished I could hate her. But I know I could
never do that. I just want so badly not to feel like this.

- You can't help.

- Yes, I can. Just tell me.


To tell her would be open my heart totally. That would be 
risking rejection, humiliation and pain. But still I wanted 
know. I turned to her and looked her straight into her eyes.
Oh, she's beautiful. In my mind voices whisper to tell her
what's in my heart.

- Please, John. Let me help, you.

It seem impossible for my mouth to form those three little 
words. Would it be fair to her to make her choose? Would it
be fair to her to withhold the truth? Would it be right to
break the bond she has with Mulder? Would me telling her the
truth just pushes her further away from me? As I stand there
looking into her eyes the picture from her reunion with Mulder
flash before my eyes. She's resisting her head against his 
chest. I could see joy in her eyes, relief and love. She's
in love with him. I can see it in the way her eyes shine when
I mention his name. I can hear it in her voice when she talks
about him. She has waited so long for him.

Was it crazy to believe that I ever stood a chance? Maybe I'm
a fool but I still love her. But that she'll never know.

- Nothing wrong, Scully. I'm just tired.

Lies, lies. All lies. It's the first time I have ever lied to
her. But I know it's the right thing to do. I'm sacrificing my
heart in this game of love we're playing. I have lost her. 
Maybe she was never mine to loose. 

It hurts me so as she smiles her beautiful smile at me and
takes the file. Her hand brushes mine just for a moment and 
I'm lost. In that single moment I want to reach out for her
and tell her right then and there about the love I feel inside.
But I know I have to be strong now. I have to be satisfied 
with just being her friend. I will be the greatest friend she
will ever have. She says her goodbye and turns and walk out
of the room. I listen to her steps dying away. My heart starts
to beat again and I bow my head and whisper:

- I love you, Scully.

But that she'll never know. 


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