Title: Do what you have to do
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category:DSR, V
Spoiler: None
Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where
Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se
Summary: Not given.
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine.
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar 
mistake may occur
Thanks: I want to say thank you sooooo much to Diana who helped
me with this story...You're just great :)...Thank you so much.


I'm leaving now. I don't care anymore. I can't take this 
anymore. I hate this game we play.

I hate putting on my mask to show the world that I'm feeling 
just fine. It's over now.

I have lost this fight. Maybe it was never mine to win. Only 
a fool loves somebody you can't have.

My father told me that and I never believed him, until now. 
Maybe he is right, I am a fool, but I can't help myself.
I wish that I didn't care about her. I wish that I could 
control this beating heart. It's foolish to believe that
I was ever going to win her. I know that now.

I can't see the road ahead anymore. He came just before the 
sunset to tell me what I already knew.

He was leaving. I had heard it being whispered in the halls 
of the FBI.

I won't hold him back. He deserves so much more than what I
can give him. I will let him go. 

I'm standing outside her door with my heart racing in my chest.
I don't know why I have come. I had planned it all so well.

I should just turn my back and walk away. I should be strong. 
I don't need a goodbye. I don't want to see her
eyes when she says goodbye to me, like I mean nothing to her.

Yet still, I'm standing here wanting to see her
face once again. I want to hear her voice, see her smile at me 
and I want to feel her close one last time. 

I know, this is torture. I'm ready. Let it come.

I told myself that he meant nothing to me. After Mulder left, 
I vowed that I would never let anyone in again.

It hurt too much. I kept that promise and I kept him at a 
distance. I told myself that I was better off.

But now that he is standing in my living room, I'm no longer 
so sure. How can I give him up?

Will I survive him leaving? Can I just stand here and watch 
him walk out of my life? I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore. I thought I had it all figured 
out. I was so sure. Maybe I have been blind.

She is beautiful. I thought I knew beauty before her. I was 
wrong. She has this light inside her that she
hides away from the world. But I have seen it. Sometimes it 
knocks me off my feet. It can be just a
smile that brings me to my knees. She comes to me in my dreams.
There in the dream world, she's mine without any hesitation. 
But I have come to my senses now. I will never win this war. 
Once I thought I could win her heart. I thought I could conquer
all the ghosts from her past. But I can't. I'm just a man. 
I'm not strong enough. I know now that I'm not the one she 
wants and that hurts.

The suitcase in his hand tells its own story. He's leaving. 
I want to run as far away as possible. I want to prepare my
soul for this pain. I want to build my wall again, but it's 
too late. My wall shattered the day he walked into my life. 
I know that now. I try to be strong. I know I have to let him 
go. He was never mine to keep.

- So you're leaving -
- I came to say goodbye -
- Where will you go? What will you do? -
- I don't know yet - 
- Promise me you'll keep in touch -
- I can't promise that -
- John, please. I need....-

I stand here watching her, searching for an answer to the 
question that keeps on haunting me. She wants me to stay.
She wants me here. She needs me. She loves me. I know, it's 
just wishful thinking. I want to dream. But reality hits me
in the stomach. Her face gives nothing away.

- Scully, I have to go--

I can take this. I turn around and start walking towards the 
door. It seems like its miles away.

My legs feel like they are made of iron. My heart is screaming.
In my head a voice is whispering. "Be strong. Be strong."

I watch him go while my heart is aching. I want to reach out my
hand and touch him. I want to say goodbye to him with my hands.
I want to brand the lines of his face into my memory. 
I want his scent on me. I close my eyes and surrender to the 
voices.

I don't care anymore. I scream out:

- Stop! Don't go!-

He turns around and looks at me. His eyes are dark now and I 
can read something there that I don't understand. I don't want 
to lie anymore. I don't want to hide.

- Kiss me –

He is just standing there.

- Kiss me, John –

Then he moves fast. His lips touch mine like a wave and take 
me for a ride. 

It's a kiss that tells a story about hidden truth and a
passion I never knew existed. I surrender in his arms and let 
him take me into his world. Maybe this is wrong, but I don't 
care. It's all right, I have no fear. He lets me go with 
a sigh. 

My heart is racing in my chest. I think it will explode if I 
move. My legs feel like they are made of Jell-O. I thought I 
was dreaming when I heard her say those words that I had dreamt
about for so long. Her taste is still lingering on my lips. 
She tasted like heaven and hell all wrapped up in one. She is 
heaven on earth. I know that now. I stand here listening to her
breathing ebb and flow.

I wish I could convince this heart of mine that this was for 
real. I wish I were strong enough to believe that she wants me,
that she loves me. But I can't live a life of maybes. I will 
be strong.

- I thought I could survive anything. I thought I was strong 
enough. I know now that I was wrong. No man is an island.
I can't go on alone. I fell in love with you the moment I saw 
you. I never believed in love at first sight. 

But I do now. ...-

- John, I...-

- Let me finish. I thought I could just stay friends with you. 
I vowed that I would protect you. I would stand by you forever 
and ever.But I can't take this anymore. Everyday I walk into 
that office and I want to throw my arms around you and 
kiss you. I want to love you. I have watched you for 
months now. I saw the pain in your eyes when 
Mulder was found and the joy when he came back.
I thought I could win this fight. I know now that it's 
impossible. –

- Don't say that.- 

-We both know that it's the truth. Look me in the eyes and 
tell me that you love me.-

He is asking me about truth. I don't know anymore. I thought I
did know. I was wrong. He's asking me if I love him. All I know
is that I fear letting him go. Maybe I love him. Maybe I don't.

- I can't do that.- 

Pain. Pain painted his eyes dark. He moved away from me so 
quickly that I almost hated myself for causing him such pain.
But I can't lie to him, it's not right.

- I can't lie to you. I don't want to hurt you. I don't know 
how to answer. All I know is that I don't want you to leave.-
I could see sorrow in his eyes as he looked at me.

- I wish I could live on maybes. I wish sometimes that I 
could live without love. But I can't. I'm not built like that.
I wish I could stay here. But it hurts me being so close to 
you without being able to express how 
much I love you.-

- John, please -
- No, Scully, it's time for me to leave -

My heart is shattered as he leans down and gives me the 
softest kiss. Then he leans his forehead against mine and 
whispers

- Goodbye, my love.-

Then he turns around and walks towards the door. My heart is 
shattered as I watch him go. I want to scream
out in pain but no words come over me. I stand there frozen. 
I will let him go. He opens the door slowly and then he stops 
in the doorway.He turns around and looks at me. I will remember
his face until I close my eyes forever.

- Stay safe –

Then he walks out of my life. I listen to his footsteps dying 
away. I stand here by the window while dark chases away the 
last stream of light.

- Come back to me.-

Then I close my eyes and surrender to hope.

Feedback..j_rothen@yahoo.se