Title: For you

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category: DSR 

Spoiler: None

Archive: Wherever. Just let me know where

Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se

Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles

Summary: Scully has been in a car accident and Doggett is by
her side.

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.


I have to come to doubt all that I once held as true. There
is no heaven. I know that now. There is no god. If it was 
he wouldn't hurt me so. I wonder if a dead heart still can 
ache like this. I guess it can. 
It has started to snow outside. I walk up to the window and
stare out into the dark night. I feel so cold. I thought that
I was stronger than this. I thought I could survive anything.
I was wrong. The darkness has a hold of me now. 

I used be content being completely alone. I had accepted it
and come to terms with the fact that I was going to live the
rest of my life alone. I believed that I could never love 
again. Not after, Molly. Molly was my wife and I loved more
than I thought was possible. It took along time for me to 
fall in love but when I finally did I fell hard. We meet in
high school and I married her as soon as we finished. She was
everything I wanted and could not have wanted a better life.
She gave me a son. Sam. He was this beautiful little boy.
He was perfect and I loved him from the moment I laid eyes on
him. You might say it was love at first sight. But darkness
entered our life and wiped away everything that was pure. 
We only got a few years. It happened the day before Christmas.
It had snowed the whole day when it happened. They were on 
their way back home from buying the last of the present when
she lost control of the car and ran into a tree beside the 
road. They told me that Mary was killed instantly and that 
little Sam had been thrown out of the car and broken his neck
when he hit the tree. Just like that. It's funny how fast your
life can change. I never saw it coming. That day my life fell
apart. Everything I held dear was wiped away with just one
blow. 
It took me five years to stop my heart to feeling pain when
I thought about them. Five years of tears and heartache. It
took a lot of strength to manage to survive that. '
My life became my job. I never returned to the house we lived
in. It held too many memories. It took three years to remove
the photos of them from my house. I still keep one, though, in
my wallet. I look at it sometimes and remember the good times
we had. I can smile now. My heart doesn't hurt so much any 
longer when I look at the picture. But I still miss them. One
day doesn't go by when I don't think about them. They are a 
part of me and nothing can ever change that. 
I was content to live my life with the power of those memories.

Than she walked into my life. She hated me from the first time
she meet me. I could see it in her eyes. She didn't trust me.
I was placed on the X-files replacing the partner she had lost
and she hated me for it. I didn't know first what to think 
about her. I have to admit that I had heard rumors about her.
"The Ice queen", and all of that. When I first was assigned to
the case I thought I would meet this middle age, angry at the
world, woman. But instead it was this wonderful, passionate 
young woman. She actually tossed a glass of water in my face
the first time we meet. I still smile when I think about that.
I saw such fire in her eyes that day. I knew than that she 
was lovely. Together we went into a world I wasn't familiar
with. She showed me another world were the truth was harder
to find. She stood by my side. She never gave up on me and 
I liked that. During our fight for the truth she let me see
inside her. It was times when her walls crumbled and she let
me see beside that brick wall she had around her heart. I got
to see a wonderful woman with a big heart and a strength that
helped her through some hard times. In some way and somehow
she managed to crawl under my skin and somewhere along the
way she managed to reach my heart. She opened up a door inside
of me that I had closed along time ago. I was scared than. I
wanted to run in the opposite direction so I locked my feelings
inside believing that was the right thing to do. 

Now I'm sitting here in another hospital about to lose her.
I can feel it with every breath I take. It's like a voice 
inside of me screaming that I'm going to lose this fight. 
Again.
It was a car accident. She had fallen asleep while driving. 
I should have been with her but she said she could do this
without me. I believed her. I didn't want her to think I 
didn't trust her. Because I do. More than she will ever know.
I would gladly lay down my life for her. And now it may be
to late to tell her.
I hate the sounds of this hospital. I hate the smell. I hate
the faces of the people that walk these halls. The only thing
I can see here is death. It lurks in the corner, waiting, 
watching for the next person to take. 
I sit down by her bedside and take her hand in mine. It's
so cold. She looks so pale. The nurses keeps on telling me to
get home and get some sleep. It might take days until she
wakes up. I know what they don't tell me if that she might
never wake up. But I will never leave her side. Wild horses
can't drag me away. I like to sit by her side to check that
she's breathing okay and that she's still warm. The only
sounds in the room are coming from the machines. I wish I 
could just scream her name and she would wake up. I have tried
that. But it's no use. I have tried everything. I have even
read books to her. It sounds silly but it makes me feel better
somehow. It feels better just being by her side. It feels
so good just holding her hand. Just before I allow myself to
get some sleep I walk up to her and place my ear to her chest
to hear her heartbeat. I know, it's stupid. But I fear that
I might miss it if I don't listen. What if she just stops 
breathing and I miss the opportunity to save her? I know she
will come back to me. I know she will find a way back to this
life. She is stronger than anything else. I know she can beat
death. I just wish I could be there to back her up.
Maggie Scully, comes every day to check up on her daughter. 
She is a lovely lady. She makes me feel so good when she sits
by my side and tells me everything is going to be all right.
I believe her. She has accepted me without question. I know
she knows what's in my heart. She hasn't said anything but
I just know because of the way she looks at me. I wish I could
scream out to the world that I'm in love with her daughter.
It took many tears for me to admit that. But I do love, Dana
Scully. The love for her fills me up and makes me stronger
than ever. 

 They came to me two hours ago to tell me the truth. They said
there was not much more they could do. They said it was in 
God's hands now. Like that could help me now. Now I'm standing
here watching the snow falling outside. I hate the snow. It
always causes me such pain. Now I might lose another to the
God they say is so great. And there is nothing I can do to 
stop it from happening. I feel dead inside. I have a hard time
breathing. I can't cry. I have cried all my tears to last me
a lifetime. Tears will not help me now. I have actually tried
to pray, but I found it useless. I don't trust him any longer.
He has taken to many of the people I love. I won't let him
take, Scully. Not her. I will not lose another. But still I
fear. What would I do if I lost her? I don't know if I could
survive that. Not again. Not ever. What would the point of 
going on? What do I have in my life beside her and the X-files?
Nothing. Nothing at all. I know, she is not mine to keep. But
I want her. I need her. I long for her. 
Once again I sit down beside her bedside. I close my eyes and
lean my head against the coldness of her hand.
- Please, Scully, don't leave me.
And for the first time in a long time I pray. There beside
her bed I fall asleep and I dream beautiful dreams.

The movement of her hand wakes me up. I sit up and look at her
face. Nothing has changed. I rise to get myself some coffee 
from the machine down the hall. As I open the door I can hear
a voice saying my name. When I turn towards her bed I can see
that she's awake. I run to her side and take her hand. 
I feel like I can fly when she smiles at me and say my name.
I kiss her hand and whisper my thank you to the man that gave
me a second chance to love again.
I know she will be mine one day. Until that day I will stay by her
side loving her.

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