Title: Hole In My Soul Author: Cinnamon Scully Classification: Scully/Doggett Spoilers: This Is Not Happening Rating: PG-13 Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. When I'm done I'll give them back, I promise. Oh and Steven Tyler and Aerosmith own the title "Hole In My Soul" Steve, please don't sue me, you'll only get a bunch of Stones albums and some X-file stuff. The other lyrics are Jewel's. Summary: Mulder's dead, and now Scully must find a way to heal the "Hole In Her Soul" Author Notes: After viewing This Is Not Happening, most of us fic writers found ourselves ready to rise to a challenge of a fic based on the episode, I had to jump on the band wagon and write a piece. Shippers beware, you just might depress yourself in reading this fic. Inside my skin there is this space It twists and turns It bleeds and aches Inside my heart there's an empty room It's waiting for lightning It's waiting for you And I am wanting And I am needing you here Inside the absence of fear Muscle and sinew Velvet and stone This vessel is haunted It creaks and moans My bones call to you In their separate skin I make myself translucent To let you in, for I am wanting And I am needing you here Inside the absence of fear There is this hunger This restlessness inside of me And it knows you are no stranger You're my gravity My hands will adore you through all darkness aim They will lay you out in moonlight And reinvent your name For I am wanting you And I am needing you here I need you near Inside the absence of fear (Jewel, Absence of Fear, Spirit) Scully couldn't believe what had just happened. She ran from the scene, driving to her hotel room. There was nothing she could do now. She had to let go, she had to move on. She locked the door of her hotel room, promising herself not to come out until she had moved on. She had screamed and cried over the death of Mulder, and she refused to believe that all the pain she had endured had ended there. She wanted to find who ever had done this to him and make him pay for this misdeed. If only there was a way. Doggett stood on the other side of the door. She heard him speak to her, trying to coax her out of her hiding place. She ignored him. Right now she had to be alone and grieve. She heard him say, "I'm sorry, Agent Scully. I tried to find him alive. I didn't want you to see him dead like that. I'll leave you alone if you want." She heard his footsteps move away from the door. Suddenly she felt as if she had snubbed one of the greatest men she had known. John Doggett had never made her feel as if she wasn't his equal, he never treated her like she was just a woman. He looked out for her, and she had pushed him away time and time again. She unlocked the door, finding him gone. She had moved too late. She would spend the first night without Mulder alone. It broke her heart that she had made mistakes in the past, and now she was making mistakes with someone she could be with right then. The hole in her soul ripped at her, making her cry again. She was feeling the remorse of all the pain she had had in the past. She knew that she should show her true self to someone, but she didn't know who, nor did she know how to accomplish that. She knew that if she were to approach Doggett, she might find herself snubbed. Why shouldn't she? She had done that to him so many times already, hadn't she? She deserved what ever rejection he gave her. That made her even more depressed than she already was. The fact that she had lost her best friend, the one person she had shared so much with, and now her partner at the Bureau in one night, she figured all she had left to do was to resign her position. The next morning as she stepped out in to the crisp air, she found Doggett sitting on the curb in front of his hotel room door. He was waiting for her obviously. "Agent Scully, are you feelin' any better this morning?" He asked it with such gentleness. "It's difficult yet." Scully couldn't reply too easily. The death was still fresh in her mind. She looked at him, wondering how she should approach him. He looked up, and then back down to the ground. "I tried to find him alive for you, Agent Scully. I'm sorry I couldn't." She sighed. "John." He heard her say his name like a whisper, and he wondered why she was addressing him by first name basis. He looked up, seeing her eyes fill with pain. It made his heart wrench for a moment. "Yes, Agent Scully?" He wondered how he should respond. "Call me Dana." Doggett got up then. He said, "Are you sure about that?" "Yes. I want you to call me Dana. I don't think I can handle being called Scully anymore. Not on a regular basis. Too many memories. I want to make new ones." Scully said, looking down to the ground, embarrassed by what she had just done. Doggett saw her uncomfortable stance. He wondered what she was thinking, why she was acting like this all of the sudden. Why she wanted to make new memories. He wanted to know why she was telling him this. "Why are you telling me this, Dana?" "Because, because I realize now that you are my partner on the X-files, and that I have to trust someone. You seem to be the one person I can trust now, you and Skinner. I need to make as many allies as I can." She still was looking down. He stepped closer to her. He was unsure of how to take this. He asked, "No more running off without me?" She nodded her response. "I know what it feels like to be ditched by my partner. Mulder did it all the time, and the last time it got him killed. I know what can happen if I do that." He felt a little uncomfortable about the situation. He knew she was having a difficult time letting Mulder go. He wondered if she meant what she said. "I know I've been difficult to work with. I want to apologize for all of that. I shouldn't have been so difficult with you." She said, still looking down. Doggett touched her cheek. He wanted to make her look up into his face. He wanted to see her eyes, see what she was feeling. She looked up at his touch. Her eyes were in turmoil. She looked like she was about to break. Her lip trembled as she saw the concern in his eyes. She knew he cared. "I'm sorry." She started to sob. "You don't have to apologize to me, Dana. It has been a difficult last few months. I know you are having a difficult time with this. I know what it feels like. It feels like you're in hell, Dana." She hugged him then. It startled him, but he realized that maybe she needed someone who understood her pain. He put his arms around her, knowing that she needed it. Scully felt as if a weight some how had been lifted off of her shoulders. Doggett had understood what she was feeling, and was willing to listen to her. "Thank you, John." Doggett asked, "Want to go out for breakfast? I know I'm famished." "Sounds good to me. What else do we have to do today?" She asked, knowing it dealt with seeing Mulder's body one last time, doing the paper work on it, and shipping him home. It made her eyes tear up again. "Well, I know that we have to first see Mulder and do all of the paper work. I know it'll be difficult for you, Dana. Do you want me to be there?" "Yes. I can't do this alone. Do you know what happened with Agent Reyes?" Scully asked. "Not yet. She and I haven't spoken since last night." "Who is doing the autopsy? I can't." Scully said, looking down. "I guessed that you wouldn't feel comfortable with doin' that. I decided that I would ask a local coroner to do that for you. I'm so sorry." "Didn't you already apologize? Let's go and eat before I have to think some more about Mulder." Scully said. "Alright, let's go." Doggett said. He unlocked his car. She got into the passenger seat. She looked out the window, thinking about what she was doing. She thought, She looked over to Doggett. His face was full of concentration as he drove. Doggett noticed out of the corner of his eye that she was staring at him. He wondered what she was thinking about. He hoped she wasn't putting the walls up that had come down. She was hesitant still, but at least she was admitting something to him. They made it to the restaurant. He helped her out of the car. She gave him a shy smile. He realized that he had never really seen her smile. She thought, She realized that she hadn't changed clothes, but noticed that neither had he. She followed him inside, him holding the door open for her. She gave him a smile. It made him wonder what she was thinking about then. He decided not to ask her. They were seated, and Doggett asked, "What are you thinkin' of havin', Dana?" "I don't know yet. I thought I'd have some pancakes." She was shy about this. He nodded at her. He signaled a waitress to come and take their orders. After they had ordered, Doggett wondered what he should do next. He knew that she was in turmoil. Mulder had been her life for the past eight years. He didn't expect for her to move on so quickly. She was looking down at the table before her, moving her water glass in her hand. She was fighting another bout of tears. The table was a pinkish color and she tried to focus on it. Doggett startled her by taking her hand across the table. He said softly, "Things will get better." Scully looked up into his face. She wasn't sure if he was right. She felt the hole in her soul ache, the hole that had once been so full. She sighed. "I wish I could believe that it was going to get better." Doggett said, "You just have to believe, Dana. I know what it is like to have to let go of a loved one. My son, he was found dead by a cult practice. They sacrificed him. Mulduh wasn't much different, and I may not believe in the alien stuff, but the way we found him. . ." Scully's eyes were full of tears again. She said, "I wish that those people would have never hurt him like that. They tortured him so horribly." "I know. I saw him, and I will make sure that they get to the bottom of how he was killed. It's better to know so your imagination doesn't make it all up for you. That's always worse than reality. Then again sometimes it isn't." She said, "I want to put him to rest. I want his soul to be as free as he said he was when he finally found his answer to Samantha. I want him to be free. I want to be free." Doggett squeezed her hand. "We will, Dana. We will set him free." After they left for their hotels, Skinner showed up. He looked at the two of them. "Where did you two go?" "We went out for breakfast." Scully told him. Skinner looked surprised by this. He didn't know how to respond. Scully wasn't very trusting of Doggett, he knew that much. Scully said, "I want to see Mulder one last time. I want to say good bye." Skinner nodded. He asked, "Would you like me to come along with you?" "Sure. I need as much support as I can get. John will be coming along too." Skinner was taken aback by Scully addressing Doggett as such. Scully said, "I want to take a shower first, and we'll go and see him before the autopsy takes place." Skinner nodded. He said, "It'll be okay soon." "Yeah." She walked into her room. She got ready to take her shower. She was aching inside. Her soul was aching where the hole was. It made her feel so empty inside. She stepped into the shower. She thought over the night before. She began to sob, her tears mixing with the spray on her face. She was slowly trying to heal, but could only find emptiness inside. She wanted to take Mulder's place. She stepped out, drying off. She would say goodbye to him. She wished that things didn't have to end this way. Maybe it was a new beginning for her. She thought of her conversation with Doggett. She knew that he was hesitant to be talking to her. She knew he was trying to figure her out. She wanted to let someone in. She knew she had to let someone in. Doggett seemed like he cared so much. He looked at her with such compassion. She knew that she shouldn't get involved with another co-worker. She couldn't help feeling as if he was in the same boat as she was in. It made her feel a bit better. She had someone she could talk to when needed. They walked into the morgue, all of three of them grieving in their own way. Scully was grieving for a best friend, a friend she had shared everything in her life with for the past eight years. Skinner was grieving for a friend as well. He was also grieving for a co-worker, an outstanding agent, a young man whose life had ended far too soon. Doggett was grieving for the both of them, as well as for his son. He was feeling guilty for not finding Mulder alive for her. He was sorry that he hadn't accomplished the mission he was set out to do. Scully saw Mulder's body lying on the table. He was still whole, no scalpel nor probe having defiled his body yet. Her eyes welled up with tears. She wondered if she was doing the right thing. She wondered if this was the right way to say good bye. She took his cold, dead hand into hers. She placed it on her cheek, like he had done to her so many times in the past. She knew it might seem morbid touching a dead man like this. She just wanted to let him go. She saw the scars on his cheeks. She saw the dried blood covering his face, his torso. She wept openly then. The aliens or what ever cult that had done this had defiled a beautiful person, a strong man. She placed his hand back down. Doggett stood behind her, and she turned around to throw herself into his arms. Though it was so new, it felt as if it was the right place to be. She wondered why she felt that way. Maybe it was because Doggett had traveled this journey with her in the field. She wept heavily then. Doggett looked at Skinner. He was wondering what Skinner was thinking for only a moment. Scully was in so much pain. He could see this. He rocked her back and forth for a moment. "We have to let him go, Dana. We'll give him a proper burial. He is truly free now." Scully sobbed out into his chest, "They, they did such horrible things to him, they made him feel so much pain. He shouldn't have gone through that. They took his life from him." Doggett whispered, "I know. I know. They didn't have a right to do that." He knew what she was feeling. He knew that she felt guilty, knew that she felt as if it should have been her. He knew that she only wanted a reason for why Mulder had to die this way. He wished he had an answer for her. TWO WEEKS LATER The mourners gathered around the grave of Fox Mulder. There were so many mourners that Scully was surprised to see. Most of them had made jokes behind Mulder's back, most of them had undermined the work Mulder had done. She wondered absently for a moment if they were friends of Doggett. Doggett was just as confused to as why these people were here. He assumed it would be a small funeral. The mourners looked sad; they looked as if they were guilty for the way they had treated him. Scully's eyes were full of tears, and she could only watch as they buried Mulder. The dirt hit his wooden casket, resounding his death and his passing through this world and through her life with each *clomp*. She turned away for a moment, unable to really let him go yet. Doggett stood near her, noticing her pain. He was ready to let her grieve on him, but knew she needed her space. She stepped forward to the newly filled in grave. She bent down, touching the grave stone. She ran her fingers over his name, his dates. She couldn't believe that he was dead. His head stone was next to *hers*, Samantha and Mulder finally would be together. It made her cry, knowing that the only way for him to really find her was to die. She stood up, finally letting the tears flow down her face. She couldn't hide her pain anymore. Fox Mulder was dead, and a part of her went with him. She felt the hole in her soul grow to the point where she was unsure if she could go on. She walked towards Doggett, her head bowed, her black veil hiding her pained face from everyone but him, it seemed. He knew she was grieving the loss of Fox Mulder. She finally broke, flinging her tortured self into his arms, weeping openly. He could only try to comfort her, knowing where she had been. He was finding himself growing closer and closer to this woman. She seemed to be opening like a flower before him. She had admitted to him that the baby she carried could be Mulder's, but she didn't know for sure. She stopped sobbing shortly after. "I want to go home, John." Doggett nodded his compliance to her wish. He walked her to his car, helping her into his passenger seat. He got in driving her to her apartment. When he arrived to her place, she shook her head. He was confused, this was home, wasn't this where she wanted to go? "I want to go to your place, John. I want to go there." Scully said. Doggett wondered why she had referred to it as home. She had never done so before. He sighed, "Alright, Dana." Doggett drove to his place. He was curious to as why Scully would want to go to his place, why she had called it home. They may have spent nights in his home, simply because she couldn't bear to be alone and think of her loss. He was curious as to why she would call it home. He pulled up to his place, helping her out of the car. He looked at her pained face, wondering if she was going to break again soon. She had her head bowed, and she walked with such slowness, it was as if she was walking to her own death. It made him sad to think that she would feel this way. When they entered, he asked, "Want somethin' to drink, Dana?" She shook her head no in response, walking over to the coat rack, removing her coat. She removed her veil as well. She looked at him, her eyes full of pain. It was as if her heart had become an empty thing, four empty rooms, just waiting for something or someone to fill it again. He watched her slowly walk to the sofa he had in his living room. He saw her sit down, head still bowed, as if in prayer of some type. Maybe she was asking God to forgive her, or to see the pain she was in and help her through it. He didn't want to disturb her. She looked as if she was fragile, and he only wanted to step up and take hold of her, protecting her from the cruel world she had been absorbed by. He wanted to make her smile, make her happy again, but he didn't know how he could do that for her. She had her eyes closed, her hands clasped together, and she was biting her lower lip. She was trying to hide herself from him again, or perhaps she was trying to hide from herself. Her shoulders slowly started to shake, becoming more violent as the silent tears fell. She was losing her battle. Doggett sat down next to her; he took her into his arms, now familiar with how she needed to be comforted. He rocked her back and forth, trying to coax her in to letting the pain inside her heart and soul go. She did as she was coaxed. She let the tears flow, the sobs of sorrow escape. Doggett said, "It's going to be okay. He's free now, he's no longer in any pain." She wrapped her arms around him. She choked out, "It's not that. I feel so guilty." "For what, Dana? There was nothing you could do to save him." Doggett said. Scully shook her head against his chest. "I feel guilty, because I feel as if I'm betraying his memory." "How so, Dana?" Doggett was confused now. "Don't you see, John? Don't you see what is happening between us?" Scully asked. Doggett thought for a moment. He knew he was having feelings for her, how could he not? She was beautiful, smart, and needed his comforting presence. "I'm falling for you, John." She said it, looking down. She couldn't look at him, without feeling guilty for the admission in the first place. Doggett was surprised by her admission. He turned her face to look into his. He wanted to see what she was feeling, he wanted to see what she was revealing to him in her eyes. Her eyes were mixed. Part of her was the woman he knew well, the woman who was suffering from the loss of a best friend. The other part was different. It was as if she was struggling to live, struggling through a murkiness that was clouding her true self. She closed her eyes for a moment, hiding her feelings. He was afraid that when she opened them again, that she would be hiding herself from him again. That the walls that had come tumbling down during Mulder's death and funeral would be built back up. He should have thought otherwise. She opened her eyes, regarding him with a spark, it was small at first, not strong as of yet, but it was growing into something. He had seen this look in her eye before. He had seen her look this way when they had discussed anything that brought them closer to Mulder. Why she wore the look now, perplexed him. He asked softly, "What do you mean you are falling for me, Dana?" "John, you see so many things black and white, but what is in front of your face, you can't even see it. Can't you see what is happening between you and me? Ever since you found out about my pregnancy, and when Mulder was found, you've been there for me. It was you that told me that we would set him free. It was you who comforted me in the sleepless nights, it was you who didn't think twice about helping me through this difficult time." Scully said. "I know. I know I've been there for you for all of that. What are you exactly tryin' to tell me, Dana?" Doggett asked. He had an idea, but he wanted to hear it from her lips; he wanted to hear her say the words. "What I am trying to say is that I think I might be falling in love with you. I think I found someone that can not only help me heal from the loss of Mulder, but can help me grow into a different direction than I had gone with Mulder. I will still believe in what I've seen, but I know that I can be me. I don't have to be Mulder. I can be Dana Scully, and you'll be fine with that." Scully said. Doggett was amazed. He hadn't expected her to really say it. He hadn't expected her to be saying the things she was. It made him feel as if he had accomplished something that he hadn't known about when he had taken this assignment. "Dana, I, I didn't know that you were feelin' that way." Scully's spark faded for a moment. She looked down cast. "But you don't feel the same way. I understand. I am still Mrs. Spooky. . ." "No, Dana. That's not it at all. I am just a little surprised, that's all. It makes me happy, really it does." Doggett said. He wanted to reassure her of this fact. Scully looked down for a moment. She whispered, "You don't want me to leave?" He turned her to look up at him again. "Of course not. I don't want you to leave at all. I have a confession to make of my own. I think I might be falling in love with you, too." Scully looked down again for a moment. She thought about what Doggett had just said. Could it be true, that someone would love her, even though she had been associated as Mrs. Spooky for years, even though she was attached to Mulder at the hip through out their entire partnership? She was starting to smile slowly at first. Doggett wondered what she was thinking. He saw her looking down, and he was afraid that he had said something wrong. She looked up, giving him a smile that he had never seen before. He wondered what she was thinking. "John, I'm glad we admitted this early on. I might have had a life with Mulder if I only would have done what I just did with you. I waited too long, and I'll never make that mistake again." Doggett looked at her surprised. "How long did it take for you tell him what you just told me?" "A couple of months before his abduction. I finally told him then. That's in the past now." She was still smiling, and it sparkled in her eyes as well. She was happy for real. Doggett wondered what he should do now. They had both admitted to falling in love with each other, what should he do now. He didn't have to answer the question, she would for him. She kissed him, her lips brushing his ever so softly at first. She put her arms around his neck, kissing him a bit deeper. He was feeling as if things had dramatically changed in those few moments of admission. He put his hands on her waist, kissing her back. He wondered if this was the right thing, but dismissed it when she whispered, "I'm glad you and I admitted this early on, John. We can have a life now, we don't have to pretend, or hide behind false actions hiding true feelings behind them; we don't have to question how the other feels. We KNOW how the other feels." Doggett smiled. He said, "Yes. Yes we do." He kissed her again, enjoying her taste, feeling alive now. He wondered if she was happy. He broke the kiss off. She snuggled into his chest, sighing. Her sigh was content, and she said, "I'm going to like this new life. It makes me feel as if I can move on from my past now. I feel as if I may be able to be free." As Scully sat in Doggett's arms, she was thinking again. Guilt filled her mind, and she began to feel as if what had just happened was a major mistake. She suddenly moved away from Doggett, confusing him by her action. "I, I should be going, John." She wouldn't say anything else, and when he protested her getting up, she ignored his pleadings for her to stay. She walked out into the cold brisk air. She wouldn't go to a place that he would expect her to go. Mulder's apartment had been cleaned out, she could no longer go there. Doggett stood on his front porch, watching with pain in his eyes as she walked away. He wondered what had gone wrong, what he had done to upset her. He sighed, pursuing her would only push her further away. She felt tears of sorrow and guilt sting her eyes, blurring her vision. She was torn now, between new life and old life. What way should she go? Who should she trust? She was unsure of what had just happened. Though she could not deny the feelings she had for Mulder, and now for Doggett, she was torn between which man she should love. She knew that she had probably wounded her relationship with Doggett by her action of leaving. She looked to the sky, seeing the first stars appear in the evening sky. It made her heart wrench that Mulder had died for the beliefs that other beings inhabitated those skies. She heaved a sorrow filled sigh, trying to understand which way she should go. She knew that perhaps her admission to Doggett was made in a haste, that maybe she was trying to move too fast, move in a direction that would rip her apart more than she was already. She started walking off to a place that she felt she might find an answer. She might find what she was seeking there. She had to speak with God, in private, understand her new path; where she was supposed to go; what she was supposed to do. She only hoped that she had some options open to her from her action of just a few hours ago. She stepped into the small church, letting the peacefulness of God fill her. She sat down in a pew, in the back of the church. She kneeled, her head bowing in prayer. She would ask God what she should do next, let Him decide her next action. She prayed for Mulder, prayed for his forgiveness. She was trying to let him go, trying to love him, yet not be in love with him at the same time. She asked for God to direct how she should do that. She felt the quiet tears fall as she prayed, feeling the pain of his death again. She was asking God to direct her to the right path. How she should approach Doggett; what the right path and way to go. She wanted an answer, any answer to the question. She knew she had wounded him by leaving so suddenly. She had grown close to him since Mulder's death, but she wasn't sure if she was pushing herself too fast into another relationship or not. She knew that she might be feeling the way she was about Doggett simply because she felt a void in her heart. It was there shortly after Mulder had disappeared, and when they found him dead it had ripped her apart even more. It was a hole in her soul, and she felt as if it was going to rip her apart. She was a little scared by what she was feeling. Though she was feeling a love that she had developed with Mulder, she felt the love for Doggett as well. She was stuck with one foot in the grave, and one foot with the living. It was up to her now to decide which way she would turn. As she prayed, Father McQue walked towards her, seeing her head bowed in prayer that he couldn't disturb. She looked up, seeing the Father standing before her. She said, "Father, I need to talk to you." Father McQue nodded. "What is it, Dana? Is this about your partner's death recently?" Scully felt herself tear up again. She bit her lip nodding in response. "I am feeling guilty." "For his death? Or is there something else?" "For his death, and for something else. Oh Father, what do I do?" Scully said, her vision blurring. "Tell me what it is." "I feel so guilty for what happened to Mulder. I feel as if I could have done something to prevent his death. I feel as if I could have stopped him. When a new partner was reassigned to me, I was very hard to work with. I know I treated him badly. But when we found Mulder dead, he was there with me, and, and now I feel as if I'm betraying Mulder." "What ever for, Dana." Father McQue asked her. "I may be falling in love with my new partner, but I don't know anything any more. I feel so lost, so confused, and every where I turn, I find myself even more lost." Scully said, her head bowed with her confession. Father McQue sat down next to her in the pew. He said, "Dana, sometimes things happen for reasons we don't understand. Certain people leave our lives through different avenues, such as death or separation. Everything that happens in our lives, happens for a reason. We all must decide what to do with these paths." Scully nodded. "But I feel as if I do let myself fall in love with John, that Mulder's memory will fade and eventually disappear, like he did. I don't want that to fade. I don't want to lose him twice." "Dana, I think God was speaking to you when this happened. I think God was trying to direct you in a direction, give you a goal to strive for. You don't have to achieve it all at once. You may find yourself taking a while to do this." Scully said softly, "I'm pregnant, Father. I may be carrying Mulder's child." Father McQue gave her a smile. "God gave you a gift to keep Mulder's memory alive. If the child is his, you may find yourself seeing his image through the child. It may pain at you first, but as time goes on, you will find the joy in it." Scully looked down for a moment. She sighed, "But what do I do about John? I want things to go right between him and me. I find myself trying to remember Mulder, and love him for all he is, but John is there for me, he is so considerate, yet I don't know which way to go." "Dana, maybe when Mulder disappeared, God said it was time for you to meet someone new. Perhaps someone better suited for the purpose you have in life. Mulder will always have a space in your heart, you know that. Perhaps when John was assigned to you, God said that you will need a man that is a rock, you will need someone who will defend you." He said, taking Scully's hand into his. "Maybe, but I still feel as if I'm making a mistake." She felt a tear escape her. "I feel as if I do one thing wrong, and everything will be irreparable. They already are." "Dana, just take your time. Slow down. Don't be afraid to tell this John that you may need some time, that you do have feelings for him, but you need some time, you need to go at your own pace. If he is meant to be with you, he will understand, and he will be patient with you." Scully looked down for a moment. "Do you think so? Do you think if I just let things slow down, take my time, that things will be okay, that things will even themselves out?" "Dana, Jesus finds a way to make everything right in the end. Do not doubt what he has given you. He may have taken Mulder, but He has given you someone you may grow to love as well. May God bless you and be your guide." "Thank you Father." Scully whispered. "Any time, Dana. The Lord will listen to you anytime." MONDAY MORNING Scully walked into the office that morning, feeling the still mixed messages her emotions were giving her. She found Doggett where he always was when she arrived. Sitting behind a desk, working on something. Here they would be back on professional manners. "Good mornin', Agent Scully." Doggett said. He looked back down to what he was doing. She wondered if she had deeply wounded him by leaving. She sat down at Mulder's desk, now her desk, sighing. She looked at the 'I Want to Believe' poster, smiling. Mulder had always believed in that poster. A picture of her and Mulder stuck out of the corner of the poster. She stood up to see it. Doggett watched her action, trying to figure out what she was up to. It was as if their conversation and admission had never happened. He feared the idea of bringing it up, so she would get upset and walk out again. Scully looked at the picture, seeing Mulder's smile. She felt the tears and the love always associated with him, but she started to see him for who he was, and not for what had happened to him. She set the picture down on her desk. Mulder's name plate still sat on his desk. She picked it up, reading his name. She would keep it, with the picture, and any other thing she thought she should remove from the office. She remembered the conversation she had with Father McQue, the night of Mulder's funeral. She remembered his message that God had a message for her, was guiding her to a goal, but she should take her own pace with it. Now only to get Doggett to understand. She knew he might be skeptical of God speaking to her through the Father, she knew that he might be skeptical of it, but he should know what happened. She sighed, first they would have to do all of this paper work; first they would have to seal the final loose ends of Mulder's abduction. She did not want to deal with the issue, but knew that she must. Mulder had exited her life in a painful way, but maybe Father McQue was right. It was all for a reason. She asked softly, "Agent Doggett, would you like to go out for lunch in a bit? I know that you and I have something to discuss that is very very important." Doggett looked at her, as if he was trying to read her face. He cringed when she called him Agent Doggett. Back to being sealed up again. He was afraid that what ever ground he had broken shortly after Mulder's death was now sealed away forever. Scully saw how uncomfortable he was. She sighed. "I'll explain at lunch. I don't want to get too involved in this at the office." Doggett felt a little confused by what she was saying. He wondered what she was trying to tell him, was there something else that was there behind her words? He said, "Alright, Agent Scully. We'll talk about it at lunch." Doggett went back to looking at the file before him. He was reading the autopsy report before him, trying to figure it out. He read in a lot of places 'unidentifiable' findings on the report. He hoped it wasn't a cover up of some kind. Doggett watched her over his file. He was watching her for any sign of the Dana Scully had learned to know in the short weeks after Mulder's death. He knew things might be rushing, but he couldn't help feeling some kind of love for her. He felt obligated to her somehow, felt as if he had to redeem himself to her for the pain that she was going through now. He saw her look at the files before her, filing in the spaces necessary to file the case away, solving it. He watched her face smooth itself over several times after nearly breaking down from time to time. He was learning how to read her eyes, that no matter how much she tried to mask the true emotions, her heart shone out through her eyes. He saw her pick up the picture of Mulder again, looking at it closely. She smiled at it. He was enjoying watching her. Her guard was down, and he could see all of what she was feeling. It was something he had been trying to do for a long time. He saw her start to clean out the desk, removing objects that once had been Mulder's, placing them with gentleness and care into a box. He knew that she was taking some of the keepsakes that she would have to remember him by. It made him sad to see her in pain. Before he knew it, it was noon and lunch time. Scully looked up from what she was doing. "Shall we go, Agent Doggett?" Doggett sighed. There was the 'Agent Doggett' again. He got up. "Yeah. Let's go." He followed Scully to the elevator. As they rode up to the ground floor, an obnoxious freshman agent rudely said to Scully, "Hey Mrs. Spooky, see you've roped in a new man." Doggett glared at the man. Scully had only grown stiff, her eyes flashing her pain, and the determination to not break down in front of the man. Doggett saw her exit the elevator, back straight and head held high. He pulled the freshman agent to face him. "Listen, you moron. She's got more spirit and balls than you do in your little office. I'd like to see you go out in the field and do what she does, alright? Next time, you might find my fist doin' the talkin'." The freshman agent backed up. He nodded his head, a bit of fear creeping into his eyes. He knew that the X-files division agents stood by each other. When Doggett rejoined Scully, she said softly, "Thank you. You didn't have to do that for me, but thank you anyways." Doggett said. "It was uncalled for. Let's go and eat." When they arrived at the restaurant, Doggett watched her choose her meal. He asked, "So, Dana, what was the thing you have to talk to me about?" Scully said, "Once we've ordered. I don't want to be interrupted too much when I tell you this, okay?" Doggett wondered what it was. He was unsure of what she was indicating to him. He sighed. "Alright, Dana." The waitress came, and they ordered their meals. He watched Scully hand the menu to the waitress. After the waitress left, she sighed. "John, I'm sorry I left your house unexpectantly on Friday. I had to do something, for me that night." She said, her eyes having that familiar torn look to it. She looked down, hiding that emotion from him. "Where did you go?" He asked it softly. He didn't want to push her, and make her leave again. "I went to the church, and there I talked with Father McQue. I told him what was going on. I feel as if God is guiding me." Scully said, still not looking up. "Guidin' you how?" Doggett asked. He wanted her to continue. "Which path I should choose. What I should do. I feel as if God was giving me a goal, that when I told you I was falling for you that it is a possibility, that it might be something to strive for. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but when I told the Father how I felt, he said that God was giving me that goal, and I should try to achieve it if I so wish to do so at my own pace. I don't know if I can rush into a relationship with you right away. I know it is not what you want to hear." Scully said. She still hadn't looked up. She was afraid to see the hurt in Doggett's eyes. He sighed. "Dana, if you need time, go right ahead. I'm not going to make you do anything. I'll wait if I have to. I'll give you space when you need it, and I'll give you comfort when you need it. Just give me the word, and I'll do what you want me to do." He took her hand across the table. "Do you really feel comfortable with that? I mean it may be a long time, but I just don't know if I can rush myself. What about my baby? It might be Mulder's, how do you feel about that?" Scully said, gazing down at their hands. "I don't care if the baby is Kersh's at this point. I only care if you are happy. If I don't make you happy, then I will not force you in to anything. I only want to see you happy. You haven't been happy since I've met you, and I've only wanted to see you happy since I was assigned to work with you. I trust you enough now. I hope you trust me enough now too, to know that I will not look down on you for anything that has happened in your past." Scully looked up into his blue eyes. They had softened from their normal steel color. "Really, the child's father doesn't matter to you?" She was trying to read his expression. "No. It doesn't. I'm glad you told me. Remember, take it at your own pace. I won't hold it against you." Doggett said. Scully looked down for a moment, and looked back up. "Thank you, John." She gave him a big smile. "You don't know what that means to me." "I think I do, Dana." Doggett smiled back at her. He liked her smile, especially when it ignited in her eyes. It was as if a Phoenix Sun was rising in her when she smiled like that. Scully said, "Yeah. Maybe you do. By the way, good way to put that other agent in his place." Doggett tried to look modest about it. "Well, he doesn't have a right to go and offend other agents. If you ask me, he was jealous and that was the whole thing of it." "Probably. They were always a bit jealous of Mulder's profiling ability, but when ever they needed it, who would they turn to? If you ask me, they were just jealous of him." Scully said. "They seem to be jealous of you too, Dana." Doggett said. "Well, having been Mrs. Spooky for years, you learn to let it roll off of you. I don't even notice worthless people like that anymore." She took a bite of her meal. Doggett nodded. "That's the way to take that stuff. I just couldn't let him get away with something like that. He is a rookie after all. Thinks he can waltz into the F.B.I. and insult anyone he pleases. Send him to New York for a bit, that should shape him up." Scully laughed at his comment. She hadn't laughed in front of him yet. It was musical, rich, full of life. She was enjoying the lunch with him, it didn't feel as awkward, didn't feel as if she was making a decision at all. Doggett was surprised by her laughter. He liked it, wishing she would do so more often. It made him smile, knowing that he had done the impossible, make Dana Scully laugh. Scully that night dreamed. She was alone in her apartment for the first time since Mulder's death. She had decided to actually stay in her apartment by herself. The weekend had been spent at the Gunmen's. Scully woke with a start. She touched her belly. Oh why did Mulder have to die? What was to become of her? Should she listen to him, and let Doggett in? Scully looked at the clock next to her bed. She read the time. It read 3 am. She sighed. Should she wait to call Doggett or not? She wanted to talk to him about the dream she just had. She sighed. Sleep would evade her for the rest of the night now. She got up out of bed, deciding to at least make a pot of coffee for herself. Why bother trying to sleep now. She made her way down to the kitchen. She felt herself still in that torn state, but she thought of what Mulder had said. She was carrying his child, at least according to the dream. She would need that proof to validate the dream. She looked out the window in her kitchen. It was dark, and she could see some of the starts peeking out. She smiled, stars were a link to Mulder no matter what. She thought about Mulder's acceptance of Doggett. He had said that Doggett was a good man, that she should let him love her. He told her not to take too long. She hoped that she would not take too long. She couldn't afford to lose another man she may fall in love with. She finally gave in, calling Doggett. She picked up the phone, dialing his number. His sleep filled voice came over the phone, "Doggett." Scully sighed. "John, it's me." Saying another name other than Mulder was odd, but felt right. "What is it, Dana?" Doggett said, sounding more alert now. "I just wanted to talk that's all." Scully replied. "About what, at what time. . .?" Doggett said, a yawn escaping. "It's three in the morning, and I want to talk to you about a dream I had. It's very important." Scully said. "Dana, do you want me to come over to your place, or you to come to mine?" Doggett asked. "Hmm, how about I go over to yours." Scully said. "Alright. Just be careful on your way over, alright?" Doggett said. "I will, John." Scully felt a smile creep onto her face. She said, "I'll be over in just a bit." Doggett said, "Alright." Scully made it to Doggett's house. She sighed. She would never be able to sleep a whole night in her apartment again, it seemed at this point. She knocked on Doggett's door. Doggett opened his door, seeing Scully stand before him in a pair of sweats and a tee shirt. He said, "Come on in, Dana." Doggett was wearing his pjs. He sat down on the sofa, watching Scully sit down with him. He asked, "What did you dream, Dana?" "I dreamed about Mulder. I dreamed that he spoke to me about what I should do now." She said the last part softly. Doggett took her hand into his. "What did he say?" "He, he said that he wants me to be happy. He told me to let him go. He said that my child is his gift to me." Scully said, looking down at their hands. "He told me to let you in, John." "He did? He told you all of that." Doggett asked softly. He knew her dream meant a lot to her. He sighed. "Anything else, Dana?" "He told me not to take too long. I still don't feel ready just yet, but I do know that I will be soon. I want to first find out if the child I carry is indeed Mulder's or not." She still had not looked at Doggett. "Look at me, Dana." Doggett said softly. "I want you to know that I will wait. If you still feel not ready right now, that is fine with me. Why don't you stay here the night? Let's get some rest." Doggett said. Scully looked into his eyes. "Yes. I would like to stay here very much. I'm sorry for staying here all the time." "Don't be. I like havin' you around the place. It makes it more cozy, I think." Doggett said softly. Scully smiled. "Alright." She yawned. Doggett got up, letting her stretch herself out on the sofa. He took the blanket off the back of the sofa, placing it over her with gentleness. "Good night, Dana." Doggett whispered, before going upstairs back to bed. Doggett thought about her when he got into bed upstairs. He sighed. She had had a rough past few months, but this week had been the worst. He crawled under the blankets, wondering if he should leave her on the sofa like that in her condition. He sighed. It would be better for her to stay there for a bit. He would go back down in a bit and put her to bed. It would be better for her anyways. A soft knock came to his bedroom door. He knew it was her. He said, "Come on in, Dana." She looked shy about this. She said, "The sofa isn't comfy. My back started to hurt." Doggett smiled at her. He patted the empty side of his bed. "Just get in. There's plenty of room. Don't worry, I'll be a gentleman." Scully smiled at him. "I know you will be." She climbed under the covers on the other side of the bed. Doggett scooted to the edge to give her space. He said, "Again, good night, Dana. Sleep well." She said, "Good night, John." She was facing away from him, and she had her arm under her pillow. She tucked her ankles in. She sighed. This felt comfortable, and since Mulder's death she hadn't felt this comfortable. She fell asleep, listening to Doggett's easy breathing. He was asleep. She smiled, knowing he was right there if she should need anything. It didn't feel odd for her to be sleeping in his bed, next to him. In the morning, Doggett woke up. He felt a weight on his chest. Scully had rolled over in her sleep. She was using him as a pillow it seemed. He smiled. He could hear her soft breaths as she slept. He didn't want to wake her, though it was a work day. She was calm and peaceful for the first time. He didn't know what to think about her using him as a pillow, but he rather did enjoy it. He thought about her unfolding in front of him. He had no idea what Scully was like, not the real her, until they had found Mulder dead. He liked the real Dana Scully, though he felt sorry for and empathized with her. He felt all of her pain when she talked about losing Mulder. He felt all of her fear when she talked about the future of her baby. He just wished that she would let him make her happy. He knew that she had to do this at her own pace, but he wished for things to go a bit faster. He sighed. She was so strong, yet needed so much protecting. She wouldn't admit that to anyone, especially herself, but she did. She was vulnerable right now, and she needed someone to help her through it. He hoped he wasn't making himself vulnerable through the process. He put a arm around her, feeling her breaths come and go peacefully. She was obviously pregnant, but she was still so small. He wondered how she had done a lot of the things he read about. Probably like she had done the search for Mulder. Guts, determination, and a willfulness that demanded not quitting. He was in awe of what she could do. He also knew that she had to learn to trust him. She trusted him now, letting him in on things he would have never been let in on before, but she still was hesitant. Still unsure of how far to trust him. In her sleep, it appeared to not even be a question. He saw the time, and sighed. Work time was here. He'd have to wake her, though he desired not to. He gently put a hand on her cheek, his fingers softly moving to make her wake. She opened her eyes, noticing where she was. She gave him a small smile. "Sorry about that, John. Guess I just ended up rolling over in the night." "It is not a problem, Dana. If it was, I would have told you that. We have to get up for work." Doggett whispered. She sighed. "Let's call in and say we're sick." Doggett laughed softly. "We can't do that, and you know it. Get up, and let's get goin'." Scully made a pouty face. "You're no fun." She acted as if waking up in Doggett's arms was a normal occurrence. She was still unsure of loving him, but she had felt safe last night. Scully went home, getting ready for work. She thought about what she had done the night before. She was beginning to feel as if she was going in the right direction, but she wasn't sure yet. She thought about the dream she had. Mulder had spoken to her. She knew she should be getting her results in soon. She hoped that it was really him she had spoken with. She felt her heart wrench for a moment. It ached, the hole in her soul was still there, not full and healed. She wondered if it would ever be that again. She looked at the stuff she had taken from the office. Mulder's badge, the picture of him and her. She saw the smile, and felt a tear come to her eyes. She had to let go. She just had to. It was a roller coaster ride, and she felt afraid to take that plunge. A knock came to her door. "Are you ready, Dana?" He saw her after he opened the door. He saw her holding the picture, and he approached her. "Dana, you have to learn to let him go at some point." Scully turned sad, painful eyes at him. "I want to so badly. He told me to let him go. Why can't I do that?" "Dana, you will in time." He took the picture from her, enveloping her in his arms. "You can't expect yourself to rush into things like this." She whispered, "I just want to be able to move on. I want to be able to learn to love someone else. I just wish I would stop hurting." "I know." He stroked her hair. "I know, you do. I'll help you all I can. I will." She buried her face into his chest. "Let's go." They drove to the office. Scully came up to the desk, finding a package for her. She sat down in her chair, opening it up. It was the paternity results. She looked at them, reading what she could not believe. The baby was indeed Mulder's. The child was his, and the in vitro had worked. He had given her a gift. She began to sob mixed tears of sorrow and of joy. She was overjoyed by the news, and it made her feel complete, yet empty. Her child would never know its father. Doggett said, "Is it his?" She shook her head, nodding to him. "Yes. Yes it is Mulder's. Our miracle did work." Doggett put an hand on her shoulder. She placed her hand on top of his. "Yeah. At least we know." A FEW MONTHS LATER Scully was approaching term. She was nearing it, but not quite there. She had a couple of months to go. She was still feeling the state of letting go of Mulder, but with each passing day she found herself loving Doggett more and more. She was sitting in the living room of Doggett's, now officially stuck on maternity leave. She was not allowed to go to work, even for paper work for fear she would try to push her way in to the field. She had her feet propped up, reading the paper. It was morning, and Doggett came down to leave for work. Scully still wasn't ready, but today, today she would finally be ready. She'd let him go off to work, and tonight surprise him by telling him she was finally ready. Doggett smiled at her like he always did in the morning. "Have a good day, Dana. Try not to get in to too much trouble while I'm gone." Scully gave him a smile back. She put on mock innocence, "Who me?" "Yeah, I know what you'd be doing if you could." Doggett said. "Alright, alright. I'll stay at home. I hate being stuck here. It's so boring when there is nothing to do." Scully said. "I know, I know. I wish you didn't have to be so bored. I'll be back for lunch." Doggett was out the door. She sat back, turning on the television. She rarely thought about Mulder, except the good times they had. She spaced off the television, thinking a bit of those. She could remember when they had been investigating as an undercover married couple. It was funny how Mulder had acted the whole time. She shook her head. He had made such a fool of himself. She had the tape that they had made, and she stuck it in the VCR. She watched him act like a fool, and she laughed. This was the Mulder she would remember, the Mulder that she should remember. The tape assured her she was making the right decision by telling Doggett today that she would be willing to love him with all of her heart. She would tell him today. She turned the television off, laying back down to go to sleep. She dreamed then. She woke to see Doggett smiling down at her. "Wake up, sleepy head." What time is it?" Scully asked. "5 in the afternoon, Dana. I came home for lunch, and I couldn't disturb you." Doggett said softly. She shook her head. "I hope I can sleep tonight then. That is an awful long time to be asleep." Doggett nodded. "I hope so too, Dana. You need all the sleep you can get. Here, I'll help you up. I already made supper." Scully gave Doggett her hand. She said, "I have something to tell you when we get sat down to eat." Doggett looked at her with concern in his eyes. He hoped it would be a good thing, and not something else. She walked slowly to the table, sitting down. Doggett smiled at her as he served the dinner to her. He had made a simple meal of spaghetti with meat sauce. It was quick and easy. Once Doggett was sitting before Scully, he asked, "Well, what do you have to tell me?" Scully looked down, shy all of the sudden about telling him. She felt fat and a little out of place telling him this all of the sudden. She said, "I had another dream." "Oh?" Doggett asked. "Yeah. I told Mulder I'm ready to let you in." Scully said, still looking down. Doggett got up from his chair, kneeling down on the floor by hers. He took her hand into his. "Are you tryin' to tell me you're ready?" "Yes. I'm finally ready." Scully said. She was looking away from him, but turned to look into his face, seeing his smile. It made tears spring to her eyes. His expression changed. "Somethin' wrong, Dana?" "No. Nothing is wrong." She got up, pulling him with her. He wondered what her next move would be. She pulled him towards her, kissing him finally, without guilt, without fear. He felt as if the emptiness of the past few months had passed. He had felt empty watching her, waiting, hoping. He kissed her back, hungrily but gently tasting her. She pulled back for a moment. "John, are we going to eat?" Doggett wondered which she would prefer. Him tasting his dinner, or him tasting her. He wished the latter would be her answer. She saw his happiness in his eyes. She smiled at him. "I think I know what you want." She kissed him again, feeling the happiness of the moment, finally free. She had finally made it to her absence of fear and she was glad that she had let him in. He held her close to him, still kissing her. He wanted to know every bit of her, wanted to know her inside and out. He felt her wrap her arms around him, holding him just as close to him. She broke off the kiss, whispering in his ear, "You're my gravity, John Doggett. Mulder was my castle in the air, you ground me." He smiled, pulling away to look at her for a moment. "You're truly happy with me?" "I can't think of any other place I'd rather be. I can't think of another person I'd rather love than you. You complete me, it was you I was searching for all those months. It was your love I needed." Doggett looked into her dark blue eyes. She was flushed, her lips swollen from his assault on them. He smiled down at her. "I'm glad to make you happy, Dana." She suddenly started to cry. He worried he had said something wrong. He was concerned about her, about her leaving again. "Is somethin' wrong? Did I say somethin' wrong?" "No, you said nothing wrong. John, nothing is wrong. I just felt a hole in my soul heal itself again. I feel more full again, more alive, and I don't feel guilty about it. I feel absolutely wonderful."