'I Want To Believe' - Part tres Doggett rested his head against his car, he was hesitant and angry...he didnt know who he was more angry at, himself or mulder...maybe he was angry at scully? ...He could never be angry at Scully He took the keys from his pocket, pushed his little button and opened the door... "Not even a goodbye?" That familiar voice made his heart skip a beat...he shut his door again and would not turn around...he was almost afraid of facing her...afraid of what he would do when he looked into those beautiful eyes of hers...if they still were beautiful...he did not know. Silence passed between them, Scully shifted her weight from one foot to the other in anticipation "Are you at least going to look at me" Doggett heard the sadness in her voice, it broke his heart to know that he had been in her presence for less than a minute and was already hurting her. Mulder was right, him being here brought nothing but pain. "I cant..." "Cant or wont!" He sighed angrily, not at her but at himself, and burried his face into his hands. More silence passed between them. Scully tried to thathom why Doggett had come here if he couldnt even look her in the eyes and tell her. He wouldnt come all this way for a few heated words with Mulder...but if that was the case then why here...at her place of work? She looked at him cowering at his car and felt dissapointed. Maybe he wasnt the man he used to be any more. Maybe be he had become kersh's lapdog and was only here retrieving information on herself and Mulder. The dissapointment grew to dispare and she felt a tear fall. Usually one she would wipe away and hide infront of this man, but not anymore. Perhaps they were both different people now. She gave up and slowly walked away. He heard her disapearing footsteps and turned "I read your journal!" she stopped and looked back, finally there eyes met, his desperate, hers confused...but they were still beautiful "The computer you left, the one you spilled your coffee over...I found it and...well I tried to fix it but...look I managed to salvage bits of the journal you kept and...and...agh!" He noticed her eyes change from confused to embarrased and he went to her. It was a weird sensation feeling his hands on her arms, holding her tight, looking at her the way he always did, protective, loving, truthful...maybe he hadnt changed...she had hoped as much "You read...all of it?" "like i said...what i could salvage" "That doesnt explain what your doing here" His hands fell to his sides and he broke his eye contact. She waited for an answer. "I came to see...I came to find out if you and Mulder were ok" he lied a little, he came to see her and only her but Mulders words were still playing on his mind "Oh...I see...well we are both fine...but you can see that so now what?" Doggett looked at her again. She was still as beautiful as ever, more so even, if that was possible. Scully could sense him calculating her, working her out, taking her in. It was flattering, he still knew how to pull her strings with just one look. She smiled at him out of embarrasment and her heart skipped a beat when he smiled back. They laughed awkwardly for a second or two before Scully spoke again. "Can we start over?" They smiled again "I dont care about the surcumstances ok...Its really great to see you John" "Its great to see you too" again, the awkward silence came back, Scully tugged on her gold cross as they just stared at one another. He moved towards her slowly, she was unsure why until he gently put his arms around her and she felt herself resting against his body in a warm embrace. It became all to real in that moment who was actually holding her and she felt her tears again. He held her tighter and she never wanted him to let her go. "I lied to you a little" they kept their embrace and spoke in whispers to one another "About what?" "About what made me come here..." Scully looked up at him, he was beautiful. Doggett noticed her tears. "Why are you crying?" "Tell me the truth" He sighed and broke their embrace but took hold of her hands instead "When I got to...what seemed to be the last page of your jounal...you said you loved me and that you always had and always..." Scully pulled back her hands and wiped her tear stained cheeks "Look dana...its ok...i know that was written along time ago...i know you have moved on now...i know you dont feel that way anymore...its just..." She looked at him sharply "You dont know anything...you dont know anything about what i feel!" "Mulder told me everything!" "Mulder did? oh ok! Of course, because Mulder knows me better than i know myself!" "He knows you better than I do!" "Does he?" He paused at her question and at the sad and angry look on her face "What do you mean...?" Dana folded her arms and moved slightly further from him "When you read about the part where i said i loved you did you bother to read further!" "Yes I did and thats what confused me!" "Confused you...how on earth can that confuse you?" He started to worry that he had misread something when he remembered he had the last entry in his pocket, he took it out which only seemed to anger her more as she snatched it away from him "The last line on that page...'I hope you find...' Hope I find what Dana?!" Scully read the line to where it abruptly ended, thats when it clicked...the coffee! she had spilled the coffee before she had had a chance to type the last word. "Is this why you came? To find the answer to this?" "I had to" "Why?" She didnt take her eyes of the paper "I had to know if...if you still...agh it doesnt matter now!" She looked at him furiously "its been years! weve both moved on, were different people now. I just needed to know if you were happy and i see that you are so there is no need for me being here now" Scully was pissed! more than pissed! she felt as though she was ready to lash out, yell at him, do something. Instead she bit her lip...she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Dana counted the years they had been apart, the years that had burdoned her so much it had hurt. all those years of secretly hoping he had found her journal and that he would come to find her and sweep her off her feet. she shook her head at her nonsense, happy endings such as that are for fairytales. The man of her dreams was no longer the man she had dreamt about, but what could she do? What right did she have not to let this man get on with his life. infact she literally pushed him too it the day she said goodbye and drove off into the darkness with Mulder. The dream off Doggett rescuing her from her new found, lonely and slow paced life was scattered to the wind in just a few seconds. there was nothing left to do but deal with it. "Your right John" "I am?" "Yes...I wrote that years ago, the night i was leaving acctually...my mind was all over the place! I would have written it to anyone...i guess i just knew that you'd be the only one to find it" Her words just secretly tore him in two "Yeah...well...I guess you know me more than i know myself" "Do I?" One last shot in the dark? She hoped for him to say no. she hoped for him to tell her that he was still in love with her...like she was with him. He didnt answer...of course he didnt! His answer would have been 'No, becuase i am still in love with you...did you know that!?'but he saved himself the humiliation of her not recipricating his feelings Doggetts silence said it all...well it was worth a shot. "Well...I guess you better be going then" She tried her best to hide her heartache...all she wanted to do was break down in his arms and tell him to stay. "Yeah I guess so..." He heard the heartache in his own voice, it was hard not to show. The last silence between them was broken by a very angry Mulder "What the hell are you still doing here!" Dana turned infront of Doggett and faced mulder "Mulder stop right there...Doggett was leaving...it was me who asked him to wait!" Mulder reached them and lowered his tone "What the hell for" He looked at doggett again and Scully shifted nearer too him, she was almost protecting him. "Thats non of your buisness...now if you dont mind i'd like to say goodbye!" "Goodbye?" Mulder looked at Doggett "So your still leaving?" Dana answered Mulders question before John even drew breath "Yes he is! so please..." Mulder saw the look in her eyes, she saw what John couldnt...Dana didnt want this. He nodded and moved away. It took Scully a few seconds to be able to face him again, it was hard for her not to break...she had always been tough though. "I want to thankyou john...for coming here...making sure I was...making sure we were ok. Have a safe journey home and...well...." She couldnt say see you soon or see you later, it was going to be never again "Goodbye dana" That was it she couldnt help herself, the tears came and they fell. Before he even had the chance to want to comfort her Mulder was by her side and he was pulling away. "Goodbye John..." He turned away at the sound of her voice, he couldnt let Mulder see him cry. That night scully first left him ran through his mind when suddenly he felt the need to look at her one last time and he was glad he did. There eyes met for the last time as Mulder hurried her away, but something in them told him she was not ok...she was not wanting this...something told him he needed to stay just one more night. ............................................................................. Night had fallen hours ago but Dana had only just re emerged from the hospital into the parking lot. He watched her from a hunched posisiton inside his darkened car as she located her own. She looked lost and sad, alot like she used to look when they had first become partners at the FBI. He watched the graceful way she got into her car and was slightly turned on by the way she furiously span out of her parking space and sped off...he then remembered he was supposed to be following her. Luckily for him traffic had slowed her down and he was able to follow her easily. They seemed to have been driving for ages, he had follwed her down snow covered lanes and through forrest sheltered roads when she broke suddenly.He stopped also and saw her red lights in the distance. Everything was silent, he looked around him but saw nothing but empty fields of snow, no lights in the distance, just darkness. Her car was still, no sign of movement inside...he began to panic for her. Doggett got out of his car immediately and quickly but causiously headed towards her car. He approached the passenger side window and looked inside...where the hell was she? 'THUD!' He hit the ground clutching his head "WHO ARE YOU! AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME!" Doggett heard the sound of a gun clicking and he sat up, only then could Dana see her the identity of her follower in her headlights "Oh my god!" She dropped her gun immediately and went to him "John, im sorry, im so sorry...oh my god...here..." she helped him to his feet "Why the hell were you following me? you scared the crap outta me!" "Sorry, aarh...sorry look I just needed to see you again ok...I needed to find out where you lived...im sorry" He worried that she'd yell at him or ask him to leave again but instead she wrapped her arms around him and burried her face into his coat. Her breathing turned to sobbing and he held her tighter, there in the cold and snow they cried with each other. He took her face into his hands so that he could see those beautiful eyes of hers. Wiping her tear stained cheeks with his thumbs he pulled her into a quick and passionate kiss. She pulled away to breathe but his warm hands remained with her, slowly moving down her throat to her back, then to her waist, their eyes never parting. He listened as her breathing quickened and kissed her again. This time Danas hands met Johns face and she forced him into a deeper kiss "Oh god...I thought I'd never see you again...I thought I'd lost you again" she panted through clinches "Im never leaving you...I never did" She looked into his eyes, giving nothing away. Their lips barely touching, they let a foggy arousal overcome the both of them "Get into the car...the back seat" He didnt need to be asked twice, she shut the door behind them and straddled him, slowly pushing him down onto the back seat Their kisses became heated as he removed her coat, then her skirt. She went straight to his belt and trousers. It was getting colder outside but the adrenaline made them sweat, John stuggled with her shirt "Rip it off!" He did and lost breath at the sight She moaned loudly as he began to thrust deep inside of her and the two of them became lost. The inside of the car seemed to fog with the heat of them as the outside frosted with the thick falling snow. They stayed with each other til morning. .................................................................................. Doggett lay in his motel bed thinking of her. remembering every second of last night, how she moved, how she looked, her kiss, her touch. It left him aching for her again. God only knows how she was coping with her early morning shift at work with the little or no sleep she had gotten last night, he remembered the sight of her blue eyes watching him as he awoke that morning, two naked bodies entangled together, salvaging heat inside the freezing car. He wanted to feel her body close to him again. He couldnt wait for tonight. She promised to meet him there at 9 and spend the night. He was also looking forward to their next morning after, as it was her day off and there would be no rushing out of bed in the morning at silly o'clock, leaving him to yearn for yet another day. He watched his clock and counted the hours. .................................................................................. She had made it there that night, right on cue and yearning for him. she had barely made it through the door before he was holding her up against it, his kissed even better than she'd remembered, no sooner was she commanding him to undress her and take her to his bed. A nice warm, spacious bed made there love making that night all the more fantastic. It was around midnight. Dana looked at her sleeping lover and pulled his arm tighter around her waist. Her legs were wrapped around his and she never wanted to let go. A chill came upon her when she thought of mulder and what he would do if and when he found out. She didnt want to care, but it was in her nature to do nothing but for that man. She knew that when he did find out, it wasnt going to be a happy ending. Doggett couldnt stay here and she could never go back. knowing that she was in love with the man she held woke her from her happy dreams and plunged her into her reality. Everybody she loves gets hurt. Would their affair end sooner than it began? she couldnt say, she didnt want to. For now she would have her cake and eat it...and boy would she eat it. She would think more about their future in the morning, but until that came, she held on tighter to him than ever before. TO BE CONTINUED...