Karmic
By:  Bobbi
Rating:  PG
Keywords:  DSR
Summary:  She didn't know if she could break his heart when she knew 
all too well how it felt to have a broken heart.  
Spoilers:  8th-9th Season
Archive:  Please ask-- drop me a line at smberens1013@aol.com .  
Disclaimer:  They're not mine, `mmmmkay?  Don't know how many times 
I've said it, how many times I'll have to say it... 
Author's Note:  I am not a dipper.  I hope you don't get that idea by 
any means, because that may be what you're all thinking now... I was 
just experimenting with the dark side. 
Dedication:  For Mel. 

***

"The men who love you, you hate the most, they pass right through you 
like a ghost- they look for you but your spirit is in the air... 
baby, you're nowhere."
--U2's "So Cruel"

***

The night was filled with stars, shining clearly and brightly in the 
navy night sky.  The constellations were like a map waiting to be 
read, in all their glory and stamina, shining their brightest.  

And Dana Scully was standing outside alone under the stars, watching 
them in all of their glory, watching them in their brightness and 
lonely luminescence, wishing the night away.  Her nights and days had 
seemed endless, and she was restless.  She'd tried everything, from 
sleeping pills to seeing a therapist, which she had vowed to herself 
she would never do, and it wasn't helping.  

Nothing could help anymore, no one could help... it was almost like 
she was beyond the point of no return.  She felt a tear running down 
her eye, a tear for what she'd had, but that she'd lost, what she was 
so sure she'd never have again.  Would her child know his father?  
Would she ever know love again?  Would her life ever be anything but 
lonely again?  

She longed for the days of years past to return, for her Mulder, 
Agent Mulder, *Fox* Mulder, as he insisted she never call him, would 
wrap his strong, muscular arms around her, and assure and reassure 
her that everything would indeed be alright, that she'd be alright, 
that they'd be alright.  But now those times were passed and she 
wasn't so self-assured, wasn't sure that anything would be right ever 
again, wasn't sure of much.  

She needed to get home, to relieve Maggie of watching William, to try 
to sleep, even though she knew she wouldn't be able to.  The stars 
just seemed so much more comforting and assuring than the darkness of 
her bedroom, and every time she looked up at the stars, she 
remembered the discussion that she and Mulder had had about 
starlight, and it brought back memories of pain, but also memories of 
joy.  Joy that was too dangerous to think of sharing in these times, 
for fear of something more painful than this separation that seemed 
like it would never end:  death, for her and Mulder.  Death, for her 
or Mulder.  

She didn't know which was worse:  living like this, knowing he was 
out there somewhere and that she couldn't have him, or living and 
knowing that he wasn't out there, that there would never be a chance 
for her to see him again.  

Either way, she was living in pain.  But then, absence makes the 
heart grow fonder, or so they say.  She was beginning to realize just 
how much he meant to her, what she'd taken for granted for so many 
years, that he was her soul mate, Mulder was her soul mate, the only 
person for her, the only person she had ever loved, the only person 
she could ever love.  

Eyes.  Dana felt... eyes.  Someone was watching her.  The paranoia 
that she'd grown so accustomed to lately, as a protectiveness for 
herself and her child, was the instinct that immediately set in, and 
she spun around in the darkness of the parking lot to find John 
Doggett standing behind her.  

"Agent Doggett... you gave me a fright,"  she said as she turned 
around.  

A small smile played at the corners of his mouth.

"I meant to do no such thing, Dana,"  he replied.  
"I... I know,"  she whispered.  
"Didn't expect to see ya out here so late."
"Nor did I expect to see you out here so late,"  she countered.  
"Respectively, Agent Scully, I'm not the one who has a child at home 
to take care of."  

Her blue eyes glared at him for a moment before returning to a 
neutral, maybe somewhat cold, expression.  

"William is in good hands,"  she said.  
"I'd hope so."  
"You should not be sticking your nose into such matters, anyway,"  
Scully said.  "It's really none of your business."
"I work with you-- it *is* my business."

She regarded him quietly, her expression de-icing a bit.  In the 
moment of silence, he recalled one of his buddies up in the VC unit 
referring to her as the "ice queen", and he now saw why.  

"Well even if it *was* your business, Agent Doggett, I suggest you go 
home and get some rest."
"I don't think ya realize, Dana..."
"Realize what?"  She asked, her blue eyes snapping up to meet his.  
"When you hurt... I hurt too,"  he said quietly, his eyes serious.  

Silence was her only reply.

"I know you're hurting for him, I know you miss him..."  Doggett 
started again.
"I do,"  she responded, in an extremely low voice.
"But Dana, he's not coming back,"  John continued.
"You don't *know* that!"  She suddenly almost shouted, the expression 
in her blue eyes intensifying, growing something near angry.  
"If he cared, would he really have left you and his son?"  
"You don't understand,"  she said, her eyes blazing.
"Oh?  What's not to understand?"
"He didn't leave on his own accord."

Doggett stared at her for a second, trying to let the information 
sink in:  Mulder hadn't chosen to leave?  Then why had he left?  

"Then by whose accord did he leave?"  John finally asked.  
"Mine,"  she whispered.
"What?"  Doggett asked in disbelief.
She nodded.
"*You* made him leave?"  He asked again.
"Yes,"  she whispered.  
"*Why*?"
"Agent Doggett, don't ask questions that have no answers."  

He stepped back for a second, trying to let this all sink in:  she'd 
made him leave.  It didn't make any sense whatsoever.

"I know what you're thinking, this makes no sense..."  Dana 
interrupted his train of thought.
"Damn straight it doesn't,"  he replied gruffly.
"But it does in its own way,"  she said calmly.  
"What way is that?"
"You wouldn't understand."
"Hell I wouldn't.  Why don'tcha tell me?  Can't ya see I care?"  
Doggett asked.  

Scully's expression changed again, to something near childlike, as 
Doggett scolded her.  

"John... it's just... it's so complicated, and I don't want to put 
the people I care for in any more danger than I have to, and..."  Her 
voice trailed off.

Silence again.  Bittersweet, unwelcome silence.  

"I don't know if I can do this alone,"  she said.  
"Dana... you don't have to.  You never had to,"  he said, taking a 
step toward her.  
"Agent Doggett..."  Scully started, not wanting this to go where she 
saw it going.

She didn't want to have to tell him:  didn't want to tell him, didn't 
know if she had the heart to break someone else's heart when hers was 
already broken.  She knew where this was going, she knew he loved 
her, but she also knew that she could never love him, not while being 
true to herself.  

"Dana..."  
"John..."  Scully started, clearing her throat, hoping he didn't 
notice that she'd been crying.  

He stepped toward her and kissed her, feeling her pain, feeling her 
loss, feeling her grief, feeling the small hope that she still had 
left that she was trying so hard not to let go of... feeling every 
little thing that she was holding onto so tightly.  

Scully didn't return the kiss but she didn't pull away at first, 
either.  His kiss wasn't unwelcoming as she had imagined it would 
be:  as a matter of fact, it was comforting, relieving, passionate... 
everything she didn't want it to be, everything that made it 
harder....

Harder to tell him that she didn't, that she couldn't, ever love 
him.  

"John..."  she said, pulling away after a few seconds.  

He smiled at her:  the first time she'd see him smile genuinely.  
Shit, could she do this?  Shit, she had to do this.  

"John... I can't, not this, not you..."

Doggett stepped away, his smile slowly disappearing.  

"Wha-- whaddaya mean?"
"I'm sorry..."  Dana replied quietly.  
"Sorry for what?"
"That I can't do this,"  she replied, grabbing her keys out of her 
pocket and unlocking her door as quickly as she could, hurried to get 
in.  
"Why not?"  He whispered, grabbing her hand and tilting up her face 
to meet his, cupping it with his hands.  
"John, I--"

Another tear rolled down her face.  Why... why... why?  Why did it 
have to be this way?  Why was life so cruel?  This couldn't be real, 
it had to be a nightmare, couldn't be real, had to be a bad dream 
she'd wake up from in the morning, and everything would be okay, and 
she could talk to Mulder about all of it, and he'd comfort her, and 
tell her everything was alright, that he loved her, that she was his, 
and...  

"Dana, I love you,"  John whispered.  

Her eyes stared into his, tired, worn, watery, with tears waiting to 
be released from their waiting ducts as soon as she was out of his 
sight.  

"I'm sorry John... but I don't love you back,"  she said, wrestling 
out of his grasp and climbing into the car, locking the door.  

As much as she didn't want to do this, she had to do this.  
Otherwise, she'd be lying to herself.  And to Mulder.  

She drove out of the parking lot, and she let the tears fall freely.  

John watched her drive off, feeling dejected and rejected, put down 
and put out.  She didn't care for him like he cared for her... he had 
known that was probably what it was, in all likelihood, but when 
she'd hugged him, when she'd given him that key chain, and the way 
she looked at him sometimes, he could almost swear there was 
something more.  

Maybe that `something more' was just for him, though... maybe she saw 
it as nothing more, or maybe she was just afraid to see it as 
something more.  Either way, he wasn't giving up.  

John climbed in his car, started the ignition, and followed Dana 
Scully.  He wasn't giving it up, wasn't giving this up, wasn't giving 
her up-- not this easily.  John wasn't the type to give anything up, 
at least not easily... if the Marines had taught him one thing, it 
had been not to give up.  

Dana saw John following her in her rearview mirror, and sighed 
deeply.  Couldn't he take no for an answer?  She didn't know how to 
get her point across without being blunt, without being harsh, and 
she didn't really want to be harsh, not after all he'd done for her.  

She didn't really want him following her all the way home, so she 
pulled over at a 7-11, taking a tissue out of her pocket and quickly 
wiping the tears from her face, hoping the mascara run marks weren't 
too obvious.  

Doggett quickly pulled in after her, wondering what she was doing.
"John,"  Scully said as he climbed out of his car, stepping out of 
hers at the same instant.  

John watched the way the cold night air caused her auburn hair to 
blow around her face, enjoying and savoring the way it made her look 
almost angelic.  She had a rare, yet near perfect, flawless, kind of 
beauty.    

"Stop staring at me,"  she said in a no-nonsense tone.
"I'm... sorry.  I was just thinking about how beautiful you look 
tonight."

She flushed slightly and turned to the side for a moment, gazing up 
at the stars again.  He followed her gaze, and then moved a hand to 
her shoulder.  She didn't shove it away.

"Dana."

She didn't reply, but started to cry:  to hell with not crying in 
front of him, she'd cry if she had to, which she did.  

"I can't say I know your loss, but I know what loss is like,"  he 
said slowly.  
"You don't know my loss,"  she said quietly.  
"I don't.  But I know my loss, and we've both lost, and we can help 
each other, but only if you let me help you."  

She paused, and so did he:  they both stared at the stars.

"I couldn't let you help me if I wanted to,"  she finally said.  
"You have to.  You have to let someone in.  You can't trust no one."
"I trust Mulder."
"Does he trust you?"
"He trusts my judgment, or he wouldn't have left."  
"But does he care?" 
"Sure he cares."
"But he's *not here*."  

Scully looked over to meet John's eyes again, their blue eyes 
searching each others' for an instant.  

"Dana, you've got to get yourself together, you've got to piece 
yourself together, you have to trust someone, it's not healthy to 
live the way you do..."
"I trust someone."
"You have to trust someone who's here, someone who can give you what 
you need."
"Mulder's here."  
"Mulder's where?  You gotta ask yourself-- is that something you even 
know?"  

She didn't reply, couldn't make herself.

"Hell, you don't even know if Mulder's *alive*."  
"Mulder is alive.  Mulder is more alive than he has ever been, and I 
don't ever want to hear you say otherwise again,"  Scully said.
"How do you know?"  
"Because."
"Because-- why, how?"
"Because he's here,"  she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
"Here."

Doggett looked around, not seeing anything.  His gaze fell on the 
line of traffic on the street, even in this late hour.  A limousine 
switched on its turn signal to turn into the gas station, the driver 
a man smoking a cigarette.  Scully's gaze fell to the limousine just 
seconds after John's did. 

There was the horrifyingly loud sound of the screeching of tires as 
the limousine pulled in, and a small black car pulled in behind it, 
trying to wreck into it.  The  limousine veered to the left, crashing 
into one of the gas pumps, and there was a loud explosion.

Scully's blue eyes widened, and she ran toward the car.  

"No!"  She shouted.  "NO!"  

Doggett's perplexed glance followed her, but he was frozen where he 
stood, at least for the time being.  

When Scully reached the limousine, she pulled open the back door as 
quickly as she could, coming face-to-face with a badly bruised, 
beaten Mulder, a slash mark at his neck that was obviously fresh, as 
there was still blood splurging from it.  

She reached to his hand to take a pulse, and her eyes grew even wider 
when she realized that there was none.  

Dana Scully's screams echoed through the night sky, enough to make 
John want to cry himself.

He finally managed to walk up to her, and placed a hand on her 
shoulder once again.  She dropped Mulder's limp hand, turning around 
to face John, her eyes blue pools of loss.

"Oh God... oh John..."

He knelt down and hugged her.  

***
FIN:  smberens1013@aol.com 
possibly a sequel coming if you like it...and let me say it's not 
what it looks like.