TITLE: LONE WOLF AUTHOR: Ewa E-mail: ewa@whatewa.com RATING: G CATEGORY: V SPOILER: Season 8 up to EMPEDOCLES KEYWORDS: S/D S POV SUMMARY: Leaving a friend. DISCLAIMER: Any characters you recognize belong to Mr. Carter & Co. Doesn't stop me messing with them though, purely for the fun of it, monetary gain has never been an issue here. ARCHIVES: You mean, I don't have to pay? Let me know where it's gone please! Please keep declaimer etc with it. Feedback is always valued Visit me and read my other x-phile stories at http://www.whatewa.com 21.08.02 LONE WOLF Damn hormones! I really don't need this at the moment! I feel angry at myself as I fight to contain the embarrassing wetness of my eyes and almost stumble in the dim hallway leading to the elevator and to freedom; all but dropping the box that contains eight years of my life. Eight years I worked and lived down here, eight years I fought to search for the truth, now it's over and a chapter of my life closes. The silence is broken as ahead; the elevator doors clang open, followed by the tapping of female footsteps. She hasn't seen me and I pull further into the shadows. I feel raw and exposed and I don't want anyone to observe how exposed I'm feeling at the moment. She looks lost, but I'm not in the mood to help out. Fleetingly I see the look of naivety in her eyes. She hasn't seen me and makes her way down the hallway, leaving a faint flowery scent in her trail. I can't help but wonder. Did I ever look like that so young, so innocent? She looks like she's on work experience and still at high school. Mom always said you knew you were getting old when cops looked like they were playing hooky from high school and for the first time I understand what she means. The footsteps stop, and then turn back as I dodge as quickly as I can in my condition into the vacant elevator and set it in motion in my bid for liberty. Leaning back against the barren metallic interior I breathe out slowly and rest my hot face against the cold surface struggling to get my errant emotions under control. I don't want to go there, but my thoughts defy my brain's ruling and race forward unrestrained. Why am I feeling like this? Sure, I'm pregnant and the emotional roller coaster has taken its toll, but I should be feeling glad, relieved even. This pregnancy has been far from easy, but now is the time for me to rest, to gather my strength before giving it birth, my time to let go and get reacquainted with my baby's father. Don't we deserve this time together after all we've been through these past months? I embrace my box of memories and feel the tear breaking it's mooring, gliding slowly down my flushed cheek leaving a cold trail on my face and a wrenching in my chest. My mind wonders back to the basement office I've just left. When did he become so important to me? When did he become my friend? He was a lone, dangerous wolf, marking the boundaries of his new territory, doing what he had to do to survive. The new Alpha male of the pack, and he knew it. His whole attitude, the way he stood and walked managed to piss me off on our first encounter and as he went go through his "Alpha act", it was me who responded, growling and with hackles raised. The last thing on this earth I wanted was to be the female part of the Alpha pair. Proud, arrogant, manipulative, he played to the audience of fellow agents, and seemed to get one hell of a kick out of it! He had a lean and hungry look about him as he stared at me with those piercing, ice blue eyes which seemed to turn almost silver, as he attempted to make me doubt my partner, doubt the relationship Mulder and I had developed over so many years. I hated him. I hate him for making me have those feelings, I hated him for making me doubt, I hated him for being there while my partner was gone. When the tide of our relationship changed? Was it was his honest? Was it was because he wouldn't stand for any BS between us? Gradually I realized that for all his skepticism, he respected my theories. Early on in our relationship he proved himself caring and surprisingly gentle whilst all the while respecting my privacy. Mutual regard grew between us, for me this was fueled by Agent Doggett's loyalty to the X- Files, and above all for his esteem for me and respect for my expertise. Knuckling my eyes I will myself to stop this foolishness, to stop the tears that threaten to take over, to stop the feeling of loss that is trying to overpower me. I'm going on maternity leave for god sake. I need this time for myself! Yet knowing all this doesn't stop me bearing myself up for leave him on his own, unprotected, fighting the battles that should have been Mulder's and mine. When did I become protective of him? Was it was the doctor in me? Possibly I just needed another human being near me, now that Mulder was gone? I just don't know. He was dependable and truthful and a friend to me even when I didn't want him to be, standing by me without question even when I wouldn't trust him. After he cut that creature out of my back our bond grew and altered. His eyes darkened with fear for me as he made that incision and in that instant I recognized I could rely on him to protect both the baby he didn't know about and me. I knew we were safe in his hands. Our cautious friendship grew and with it my awareness of the mantle of sadness that seemed to hang heavily on his shoulders. He had his secrets too. After a while I discovered the reason for his sadness that he, like me, had lost a child. I understand what he's gone through and the fact he needs to be in control of his life and his emotions. We bring out the best in each other, all the while challenging each other professionally. We listen to each other and work selflessly together to achieve our common goal of solving the case Over the months his care of me has increased, and his concern has touched me deeply. Not once has he asked why, not once has he pushed for answers. He's just been there. My admiration for Agent Doggett grew, as did my friendship. I value his honesty and loyalty and even when he can't agree with me or can't be as open minded we treat each other as equal partners. There is empathy between us that often does away with the need for questions or explanations. Like the wolf, he is intelligent and courageous, displaying extraordinary team spirit and cooperation during our search for the truth. So well are we attuned that we often act as one. At first I didn't want this, it reminded me painfully of how it was with Mulder and I fought against it. Now it will be one of the things I will miss most about Doggett. When I was at my weakest, when he finally discovered my reasons; the child I carry within me, he pledged he would find Mulder for me, and he did. He endeavored to protect me and the child when we thought Mulder was dead and like a guardian angel he continued to hover in the background when Mulder was restored to me, never asking for anything for himself just being of service wherever he could, never questioning, never passing an opinion. Occasionally I saw the look of loneliness in his eyes, the sadness that turned the silver to deep blue. He understood without the need of words that Mulder would always be the focal point of my life. His fidelity to me and to the x-files has gained him nothing from his superior other than derision, yet still he remains loyal, fighting now for a cause that isn't even his. And now the fight has become his. Mulder resented him from the beginning, made me feel as though I'd betrayed him and our cause. What he doesn't understand is that without Doggett, without his teamwork and partnership I wouldn't be here now and there would be no x- files. Kersh would have shut us down; I couldn't have gone it alone. That was why I gave him Mulder's key chain, hoping that he would understand how important he'd become to me, how much I valued his friendship. The scene of the last few minutes keeps replaying itself in front of my eyes and its so hard to keep the tears at bay as I remember the look in Doggett's eyes as I hugged him and he hugged be back almost as fiercely. Neither of us wanted to say goodbye, and I have a feeling he will miss me as much as I'm missing him already. He will go on, like that lone wolf, my friend, my partner, and my knight in armor. Like that animal, Agent John Doggett is as fierce an enemy as he is an ally. The elevator shudders to a halt and I stagger out into the light, making my way to my parked car, to my new life, thankful that the place seems deserted and that no one can see my grief at leaving a friend behind. 09.12.02