Title: Missive
Author: K.M. Lehr
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me. They belong to the Crack Boys, capiche?
Etc.: Songfic to "Even When I'm Sleeping" by Leonardo's Bride. No deaths, no 
heartbreak here. Just plain old fluff. ;-)

~

Don't be confused by my apparent lack of ceremony
My mind is clear
I may be low or miles high off in the distance
I want you near

~

It's been such a casual thing so far, our affair. Evenings out became 
evenings in; evenings in became sleepovers; sleepovers became excuses for 
mind-blowing sex. That's all right with me, really it is. I'm just wondering 
when it is I had time to fall in love with you.

Was it when we met, and you threw water in my face? I could have gone for 
your spirit then, indomitable as it is. Was it when you broke down and let 
me protect you for once, after finding what you thought would be the key to 
locating your partner? Did it wait for Mulder to be found, buried, revived, 
and re-assigned to the X-Files? For all I know, I didn't fall in love with 
you until your baby was born.

God, Dana, sometimes I wish you'd never been pregnant. Maybe then you'd be 
here in the basement with me again, instead of off on maternity leave and 
right where Mulder wants you. He always wanted you to stay home and be safe, 
be the protected one. God forbid you should have your own quest, your own 
reasons for wanting to investigate the paranormal. If he had his way, you'd 
have a private practice, a nice apartment, and four babies already instead 
of just the one.

I'm glad he didn't have his way. I would never have met you if he had. 
Instead of a few months of maternity leave, I would have had eternity to 
contend with. I wonder how hard it would have been, waiting around forever 
for the other half of my soul to show up?

~

I love you
Even when I'm sleeping
When I close my eyes
You're everywhere

~

It's pointless to close my eyes and concentrate on life as usual. Every time 
my eyelids droop, you dance against the blackness. All of my dreams feature 
you in some way. Some nights, you appear to me in fancy lingerie and high 
heels; other nights, you're cradling a baby, but it's our baby and he's got 
your beautiful eyes. We're always together, except when Mulder's there, and 
those dreams can safely be classified as nightmares. Whenever he's there, 
he's trying to break us apart, as if I've invaded his territory.

He forfeited his rights to you the first time he took off and abandoned you, 
in my opinion. Did he never call you, to make sure you were all right? I 
wonder if he ever dreamed of you together? I wonder if you were ever his 
entire world, like you are mine? Oh, he said you were his touchstone. You 
told me that story. But has he ever made you feel like it's true?

Have I, for that matter?

~

And if they take me flying on the magic carpet
See me wave
If our communication fails I'll reconnect it
I want to rave

~

I can't wait for the weekend to come, so I can go to your apartment and 
spend all day there. It'll be just you, me, and baby William. No ghosts of 
the past or omens of the future will disturb us. We'll play at being our own 
little family. I can cook dinner so you can rest a little. Being a full-time 
parent is the hardest thing of all to do sometimes, isn't it? I know what 
it's like. I've been there. Well, maybe I haven't given birth, but I have 
fathered a son. If he were here still, I bet he'd love you as much as I do. 
I don't understand how anyone could not.

I miss Luke so much sometimes. My wife missed him so much that she couldn't 
take it anymore and locked herself away in a mental hospital, content just 
to grieve for the rest of her life. She was nice enough to grant me a 
divorce before she became too incoherent to make those kinds of decisions. I 
loved her too, I guess. I don't remember our early married life together, 
but it must have been something like what you and I have now.

If I'm lucky enough to win you for good, I will never abandon you.

~

No matter where the road is leading us, remember
Don't be afraid
We have a continent that sometimes comes between us
That's okay

~

We'll be together forever, of that I'm as sure as I can be. We can get 
through anything together. We got through Mulder's death, didn't we? We made 
it through your pregnancy, too. I have a feeling everything will be better 
from here on in.

I hope you get a vacation, after all you've been through, anyway.

Even when they send me on cases in other states or other countries, I'll 
close my eyes and you'll still be there, waiting for me in a dream with your 
son. I wonder who he'll end up calling "daddy"? It doesn't have to be me, 
although I'd love that.

All I know is that somewhere along the line, I fell madly in love with you, 
and damn it all, my parachute forgot to deploy.

~

owari