Title: My Life Began With You 1/3 (Woman in Love?)

Author: XFilerN

Contact: me@xfilern.de

Translated by: CarrieF.

Spoilers: Bits and pieces from seasons 1 to 8.

Timeline: Season 8

Rating: PG-13

Category: Scully-Vignette, DSR, hint of MSR.

Archive: Anywhere, please just ask first.

Disclaimer:  Would it surprise anyone if I said that neither Scully nor Doggett 
belong to me?  They're the property of Chris Carter, 20th Century Fox and 1013 
Productions.

Dedicated to: Fay, for the tips, the fantastic beta, and for always being there 
for me and accepting how I've changed.  Thanks! *hug*

 

Summary: What is love? – A very important question that Scully asks herself.

 

 

My Life Began With You

Part 1 / Woman in Love?

 

 

Mulder is back.  Back among the living.  The strange thing about it is that at 
first I was pleased.  Yes, I was really happy to have him back, and I still am.  
But this feeling of happiness has mixed with something new, hard to define, and 
now I have the feeling that I've fallen between two stools.

 

I have him back – the man I asked to help me have a child.  The man who offered 
me his sperm, his genes, and whose child I'm now expecting.

 

For a long time I was firmly persuaded that he was the right man for me, the 
only man I could imagine spending the rest of my life with – but now, suddenly, 
I've come to doubt that.

 

There is more than one kind of love.  There is the way you love your family; 
mother, father, brother and sister.  Then there's the love you feel for friends, 
be it the girlfriend you share secrets with or a close male friend who's up for 
anything and whom you can always rely on.

 

Then there is another type of love that I've only just started to feel.  The 
love for one's own child.  I could never love a man as much as my own flesh and 
blood, beside the fact that there are differences.  I would starve myself for my 
unborn child; I would exchange my life for his without a second's hesitation, 
and I would kill, if it were necessary.

 

Finally there's the type of love that you feel for a man or a woman.  But what 
defines this love?  Firstly the basis of every relationship: trust.  Security, 
warmth, openness and honesty are further elements that I think belong to every 
serious relationship.  Not forgetting passion, the mutual wish to show how we 
feel, to unite into a whole and share the feeling that nothing and no one could 
ever come between us.

 

What I feel for Mulder I haven't felt for a long time, for any man.  I trust 
him, when I'm with him I feel protected and warm, and once I almost told him 
that I love him.  – Now I'm glad that I didn't, because although my love is 
deeper than I could feel for any other friend, it is platonic.  Even back then I 
knew that.

 

I tried to imagine myself sleeping with him – and suddenly started giggling.  
Yes, it may sound strange, but I can't imagine having sex with Mulder, although 
he certainly is a very attractive man.

 

But the simple realization of this fact is not the reason for the confusion in 
my mind.  No.  Another man, my new partner, has secretly and silently found his 
way into my thoughts, more and more often.  One morning I woke up and my first 
thought was of him.  It was nothing earth-shattering, but I thought of him.  I 
wondered if he was already up, and what he would be doing for the weekend.

 

Before, I'd never have spared a thought for him.  We didn't exactly get off to a 
good start.  But with time, during the seven months of our partnership, he's 
proved to me that he is a good and loyal man and an excellent agent, to whom I 
would now without hesitation entrust my life and the life of my child.

 

But at the same time, Mulder is continually in my thoughts.  When I believed him 
to be dead, my whole world fell apart.  It was as if the sun had stopped 
shining, as if the world had stood still.  It hurt so much, and for a while it 
seemed as if the world had stopped turning, as if the sun was hidden between 
dark, impenetrable grey clouds, as if there was no reason to carry on living.

 

I felt lonely, thought I was alone in the world.  I wasn't, for John saved me 
from my lethargy, showed me, that the world was still turning and that the sun 
would eventually come out from behind those clouds.  He gave me his hand, to 
lead me back out onto the street, out into life, and I took it hesitantly, but 
gratefully.  To me he became what I was to Mulder in our years of partnership; 
my one constant, when my world, everything I had always held to, threatened to 
disappear.

 

He told me that I would get over it, that I would learn to deal with the pain, 
and I believed him.  He would know, because he had lost Luke, his own son, his 
own flesh and blood.  His pain must have been immeasurably great but yet he 
could deal with it and it didn't break him.  He gave me something of his 
strength, the strength I had lost with Mulder's death.

 

Now I have him back, but nothing is as it was before.  Maybe it's to do with the 
fact that I kept having to defend Doggett against Mulder, because he didn't want 
to trust him as he trusted me, because he thought he was a traitor.  But 
somewhere along the line I stopped seeing the partner, the Agent in John 
Doggett.  Instead I saw a man who didn't deserve this kind of treatment, because 
he had proved himself trustworthy, and Mulder shouldn't have questioned my 
judgement on that.

 

It was as if Mulder had unconsciously, and certainly not intentionally, opened 
my eyes, forced me to see in Doggett what I didn't want to see, because for 
seven years Mulder had been the only one in my life.  But instead of leaning on 
my illusions about Mulder, I suddenly found myself defending another man, who 
was being unfairly treated by Mulder.

 

I've been back home for four days now.  There were complications, and I've been 
told to stay in bed.  The bleeding won't go away until I give birth, the doctors 
said, but I will avoid a premature birth if I take care of myself.

 

Me, stay in bed, - my God…While I've been sitting here doing nothing, trying to 
pass the time, I've been thinking carefully about both the men who occupy my 
thoughts, perhaps too carefully.

 

Mulder is a good-looking man, without a doubt.  In his way he's very charming 
and endearing.  The child in him often reveals itself; when everything doesn't 
work out the way he wants it to he often charges in without sounding things out 
and considering the alternatives.

 

These are qualities which I have always loved in him; the reason I believed he 
was well suited to me.  We would have made each other complete, as he is the 
exact opposite of me.  Mulder embodies the part of me that I could never allow 
myself to become, because if I did I would be labelled as incompetent, or just 
as a woman who overreacts or has been over-promoted.  In men it's seen as 
impulsiveness, in women as hysteria.

 

John Doggett is so completely different.  Like Mulder, he values openness and 
honesty, just as much as I do.  He is very direct, always says what he thinks, 
even if he occasionally offends people.

Unlike Mulder, he's no believer.  I don't know if John believes in a God, but he 
doesn't believe in aliens or conspiracies.  Maybe he did once believe in God or 
a God-like being, but this belief has been lost with the death of his son.  I 
don't know, but it doesn't matter if, or why, someone believes.

 

He's a very tidy man, which is not least to be attributed to his training in the 
Marines.  In the military services, order is very important and a part of life, 
and I think that's why his house always looks as if he were married.  In a way 
it reminds me of Bill's bachelor flat at the start of his career as an officer – 
always tidy and well organised.  This puzzled Tara at the beginning of their 
relationship – she mentioned it to me once at a family gathering because she 
thought that someone else must be involved. 

 

I often wonder why Mulder is so hostile toward Doggett.  Is it jealousy?  Could 
it be the fear that John will take the X-files away from him, together with the 
meaning of his life?  I don't know… I really don't know.

 

At any rate I find this childish behaviour very irritating and wish he would 
drop it.  The FBI is big enough for both of them - they won't get in each 
other's way.

 

John takes it all very coolly and always tries to calm me down when I'm about to 
lose control and give Mulder a piece of my mind.

 

"It doesn't bother me," he always tells me, or "I don't even listen, and you 
shouldn't either, Agent Scully."  Just the way he always speaks my name… It 
gives me this feeling in my stomach, as if a thousand butterflies were 
fluttering around in there.

 

Even now, when I'm at home and no longer working for the FBI, Doggett still 
calls me Agent Scully.  He's simply gotten used to calling me that, just as 
Mulder always called me Scully.

 

After seven years of partnership I've gotten used to it, even though I'd often 
wished he would call me by my first name.  It would be more personal, would show 
that we were friends.  At least that's how I see it - I'm not sure if Mulder has 
a different opinion on the subject.  He calls the Lone Gunmen by their surnames 
as well, and in Mulder's lonely life these three anarchists are the closest to 
what you might call friends.

 

I don't think it would make a difference to Mulder if he called me Dana or just 
Scully.  Names don't mean much to him, except when he doesn't like them, like 
his own first name.

 

I see the fact that Doggett calls me Agent Scully as a sign of the respect he 
has for me.  Maybe it should also remind me that we're partners, colleagues and 
not friends or lovers...

 

At the beginning of our partnership I didn't think Doggett was half as good-
looking as I find him now.  I always thought of him as Dumbo, because his ears 
stick out a bit, but now I find that rather cute.  His deep voice and his New 
Yorker's slang often send a pleasant shiver down my back and I wish I could lie 
against his chest just once and listen to his voice.

 

So much has changed since Mulder disappeared and Doggett came into my life.  I 
haven't been as happy as I have been for the last few weeks since I was at 
college.  I was head over heels in love when I last felt this way, and thought 
the sun was shining just for me.  Love – is that what it is?  Is this feeling of 
sitting on clouds all I need to be happy, or is it the anticipation of having a 
baby that's bringing out this feeling in me?  I can't say for sure, not yet, but 
I'm enjoying every day of it while it lasts.

 

Since I was assigned to Mulder I've felt more pain that happiness; stood more in 
the darkness than in the light of this world.

 

In the very first year I lost my father.  Yes- it was a natural death, but it 
was still during our partnership.  Then I was abducted, lost my sister, was sick 
with cancer and then discovered that I couldn't have children.  A lot of 
suffering for one lifetime and God knows more than enough for one person.  Of 
course Mulder wasn't the reason for it, but he couldn't share this suffering 
with me - his attempts at consolation ended in assignment of guilt. Instead of 
just letting me grieve he launched into a search for the truth.  As if my 
weakness demanded it of him. That's the difference between him and Doggett, who 
sees my helplessness only a as moment when he must be there for me, and not as 
the loss of my strength.

 

Then Mulder disappeared, by a miracle I became pregnant, and I came to know 
Doggett and my own strength.

 

During the time I've known him, I've suddenly felt like I have a new life- as if 
through him my life has really begun.

 

The only thing which hung over me like an impenetrable black cloud during my 
partnership with Doggett was the fact that Mulder was no longer with me.

 

I haven't seen John for a few weeks now.  Mulder comes to visit me every day.  
Why doesn't Doggett come?  Was I really no more to him than a colleague?  Out of 
sight, out of mind?  I take a deep breath and reach for the telephone, hastily 
dialling his number, which I already know by heart.

 

I just have to know how he is, how he's getting on with Mulder.  I find out 
nothing from Mulder- he hardly ever talks about work, unless he has a case he's 
enthusiastic about.  But he never says a word about John, even avoids my 
questions about him.  I imagine the good wishes I send never reach John.  
Otherwise he would certainly respond, if only with a short phone call.

 

"John Doggett," I hear suddenly, and I have to smile.  It feels as if I haven't 
heard his voice for many weeks.  "Hello?"

 

"It's me, Scully," I say quickly, before he hangs up thinking it was a wrong 
number or a nuisance caller.

 

"Hey, how are you?"

 

"I'm alright.  How are you?" I answer.

 

I can't see his smile, but I hear it.  "Me? Fine, thanks."  For a moment we're 
silent.  I suddenly feel stupid and don't know what to say.  I can't exactly 
tell him that I'm just calling because I miss his voice.  "Agent Scully, are you 
still there?"

 

"Yes, yes, I'm still here."  God, it's so childish.  Pull yourself together, 
Dana!  "How are things going in the office?" I ask, as neutrally as possible.

 

"Quite well. – It's not always easy, but I'm getting by."

 

I nod silently, until I realize that he can't see me, and then say: "Has Mulder 
passed on my best wishes to you and AD Skinner?"

 

"Best wishes?  Best wishes to Skinner, maybe, but I haven't had any," he 
answers, and sounds surprised that I'm asking.

 

Surely Mulder didn't forget on purpose – or did he?  "I'm sure he didn't mean to 
forget," I say, instinctively defending him.

 

"I'm sure he didn't," he answers, and for the first time I have the feeling that 
he's lying.  His voice suddenly sounds a bit higher, as if he were 
uncomfortable.  He really is lying to me.

 

I have to smile and shake my head.

 

"So you're just calling to find out how I am, Agent Scully?" he asks, suddenly.

 

What should I say now: No, I want you to come and visit me so I can look into 
your eyes?  - Hardly…Just great, I feel like I'm sixteen again, when I was too 
shy to ask the boy I fancied out on a date.

 

"I wanted to hear your voice," I say honestly, and immediately bite my tongue.  
What will he think of me now?  He must think I'm crazy. – I can always say it's 
my hormones, if…

 

"Really?" he asks, and I hear amusement in his voice.  He's laughing at me, I 
handled that one well!  "… It's nice to hear your voice again too."

 

Wow, I hadn't bargained on that.  "Agent Doggett…I – I'm sorry to have bothered 
you.  I…" I have to hang up before I make a complete ass of myself.

 

"Hey, you don't have to apologise.  It's okay."  Did he really say that?  "How 
strictly do you have to follow those orders to stay in bed?" he asks, and this 
time I'm fairly sure I misheard him.

 

"How do you mean?" I ask.

 

"Well, if you can hardly get out of bed I could always stop by and cook you 
tea."

 

I have to smile.  He wants to cook for me.  "What can you cook?"

 

"Most things.  Tell me what you like and I'll go shopping and cook it for you."

 

"This evening?" I ask cautiously.

 

He laughs softly.  "If you like, yeah.  So, what do you want then?"

 

I think for a moment before answering.  "I love Italian and Chinese.  But no 
meat - I'm a vegetarian."

 

"Fine, I'll think of something.  I'll be round in an hour at the latest, okay?"  
I can hear from his breathing that he's about to pull on his jacket - he's 
breathing faster.

 

"Alright…and, Agent Doggett?" I ask.

 

"Yes?"  He's just stopped whatever he was doing.  I can hear it again in his 
voice.  He's curious.

 

"Could you bring along a movie as well?"

 

"But nothing kitschy, right?" he asks, and I know that he's smiling.

 

"I trust you," I answer.  He'll find a movie that we'll both like.  With a "Bye" 
he hangs up and I take some deep breaths.  Then I stand up and go for a shower.

 

I know that it's not a date and that nothing will happen, but I can tidy myself 
up a bit.  Maybe, yes maybe at some point he will see more in me than just an 
FBI-colleague, more than his former partner.

 

End of part 1

To be continued… 

 

You can find more of my stories at http://worldofx.de  & 
http://shodds.worldofx.de  :)