Title: Significant Yesterday (1/2) Rating: PG Author: Janna Feedback: PLEASE!!! raptorguts@yahoo.ca Disclaimer: Characters of Mulder, Scully, Skinner, and Doggett and other well known XF dudes belong to Chris Carter and 1013 and Fox. Everything else is from my own mixed up life, which is, by the way, a nonprofit organization :) Notes: MSR, major SDR!! This is the long-winded sequel to my story "Forget About Me". The first part can stand alone, but you should read "Forget About Me" before venturing onto the second part.. Thanks for all those who told me to write this. I hope it is what you thought it would be. Doggett POV (And I took quite a bit of licence with Doggett's character here, so any obvious mistakes I have made, please try to ignore. If you cannot ignore them, then perhaps you should try reading another story) Also, I would like to note that this whole story was written over the course of several months whilst listening to Russell Crowe's beautiful voice on the TOFOG CD's Gaslight and bloc. References and inspiration belong to Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts and Gruntland USA LLC "I picture your eyes, I whisper your name Inside I'm screaming, outside I'm sane, As soon as you're leaving, I need you again, I'm left with my dreaming, it's just not the same" -"Inside Her Eyes" by TOFOG ***************************** I am such a sucker for married life. Who can blame me? Where else in the world do you find such complete dependability? Not to say that I was very good at it or anything. My first marriage was a mess, and I'm smart enough to know it was my fault. I guess I thought it was too hard. All the things I love now are all the things I hated then. I hated the constant predictability. I hated knowing what my dinner would taste like every night. I was tired of all the feminine things in the house, and all the pastels and floral prints she insisted we have in every room. I was tired of the arguments, the responsibility, the inability to just do what I wanted. It didn't feel like it was my marriage. It was hers, and she was in charge. Work was going great at the time. I had resigned from the Marines and became a cop. I loved being a cop, and every cop wants to be a cop in New York. Who wouldn't? I was young. I though wives were supposed to be there for you to brag about. Who knew they demanded so much. I was actually mad at her when she told me she was pregnant. I thought she was trying to choke me. I thought it was all a big plan to keep me down. I knew I was a lousy husband. I didn't want to add lousy father to that. I was happy it was a boy, happier than I should have been. It surprised me that with everything I didn't like about being a husband, I would love being a father so much. Luke was my whole world. I could succeed in him where I failed everywhere else in my life. Isn't that what every dad wants? A son to succeed where he failed. I may have pushed him too hard sometimes, but he was always happy. I would have hated my father if he was so hard with me the way I was with Luke, but nothing bothered him. Nothing confused him. He delighted in people. From such a young age I knew he was special. I knew he was better than me, and I wanted him to be. My wife and I grew farther and farther apart, but nothing could separate Luke and me. As he got older, I made it a goal to spend every moment not at work with him. We would do all the father-son things my dad never did with me. I should have thanked him more. He was the only thing holding my marriage, and the rest of my life, together. He became the one I bragged about the most. My wife didn't matter as much. Luke was the only picture in my wallet. It was a harsh reality for me to find out he died because I loved him so much. I couldn't live with myself after that. The three days he was missing I lost my soul. When we found him, I lost even the memory of what I was. Happiness became a strange idea to me, as foreign as starvation or poverty. It was a thing I had heard of, but could never remember feeling. That was what my life became. An echo of happiness, a memory of joy, holding about as much substance as echoes and memories do. I was empty and hollow and alone. I couldn't hear my heart beat, didn't even know if it did anymore. I made a lot of mistakes. I should have listened to my wife more. I should have told her I really did love her. But I didn't know how. After Luke was gone, she left too. I don't blame her at all. I wanted to leave me. I guess that was my punishment for all my mistakes. I could never leave them behind. Not for a lack of trying. My leaving the NYPD and subsequent move to D.C. was all about me trying to run away. Trying to recapture the image of myself I had when I was young. I swore I would save every child who came my way, so no other father would have to find out what I did. I never counted on Dana Scully. After my wife left, I spent too much time with Monica. At the time, I thought it was the best thing in the world. She never tried to take away my pain or say everything was okay. She hurt with me, and knew when to let me hurt alone. It was as simple as that. She made me think I could bring him back. It took too long to realize I couldn't. We parted amicably. She understood, even if she didn't approve of my need to leave. When things ended between us, I knew I would never love again. It brought too much pain. I had myself convinced that I would never be able to love another woman. In fact, I only realized I was in love with Dana Scully because of the long forgotten ache in my body. I finally loved again, and it was for a woman who would never love me. I guess I deserved it. Dana Scully changed everything for me. Her femininity and frailty provoked me rather than repelling me. My only goal in life was to keep her safe and happy. I needed to protect her. I needed to be there for her the way I never was for my family. She never understood for the longest time. I was obsessed with finding Mulder because I thought it was the only way she would be happy. Then she had a son. That child changed both of our lives more than can be expressed. She named him William Scully. We all called him Will. When he was young he looked like Dana. It was probably better that way. It wasn't until he was older that Mulder's features began to emerge, and when they did, we were ready for it. Not to say that after Will was born, Dana and I lived happily ever after. She still just saw me as a partner. I was a close partner, but I still hadn't crossed over into friend. However, I would have given up her friendship entirely if it could have prevented what brought it. When Will was three months old, Dana started to get restless being at home every day. She thought she wanted a long leave, but everyone changes. She decided to come into work for just one day. She wanted to be in the office, smell the office smell, that mix of coffee and sweat and stale air. Her mother came over to spend the day with Will, and Dana came to work. That day started out as being the best of my life. Sure I had spent some time with her and Will at her apartment, but we hadn't been alone, just the two of us, for months. I haven't been able to pester her or truly annoy her for a long time. I made the most of that morning. She was so happy to be there. I don't recall doing any work. We just sat and talked and told stories and ate and drank coffee. Sitting in that office again, our feet propped up on the corners of our desks just talking and laughing was enough to make me fall in love with her all over again. She was so amazing. It wasn't until 2:37 that afternoon that the phone rang. I remember she was excited to answer it. She said it had been to long since she had been able to answer a phone in her special FBI voice (she actually said that!). The image of her face, going from absolute joy to complete fear, is one I will never forget. She dropped the phone, her face in her hands, sobbing without tears. I grabbed the phone. It was the police. Dana's apartment had been broken into. Her mother had been shot and her baby was missing. Nothing else was taken. Just Will. I don't remember calling Skinner, and don't remember the ride to her apartment, but I will never forget what we found there. It was like Luke died all over again. Dana's mother had been taken to the hospital, two gunshot wounds to her abdomen. She was stable. A search had gone out for Will. I remember sitting with Dana on her couch holding Will's blanket, which looked so much like Luke's when he was a baby, with Dana staring off into space, the most lost expression on her face. We prayed all night. We prayed so long and hard that we forgot to say the words. That night was spent at the hospital with her mother. I wanted to look for Will, wanted to with everything in me, but didn't want to leave Dana alone, and I wasn't going to let her go out. Skinner spent all night looking. They found him the next morning. He was asleep on the back steps of a local grocery store. There was no evidence, and we never found out who did it. I thought Dana would break, but she never did. She took Will in her arms and breathed in his scent and I never saw anything more incredible in my entire life. Dana didn't come back to work after that. She never let Will out of her sight. When Margaret Scully was released from the hospital, the three of them took a trip to the west coast to be with Dana's brother. They had been gone three days when Dana called me in the middle of the night, asking me to come to San Diego. I was on a plane within the hour. I never thought she would ever need me, and I wasn't about to let her down now. The time in San Diego with her and her family was a revelation to me. Their family had a way of doing things I had only read about, but never truly knew existed. There was so much love it almost hurt me to me to be in the same room with all of them. It wasn't until much later that I found out how much work Dana had done to create that loving atmosphere. I didn't know for the longest time how separate her family had come over the years. I didn't know there were so many unspoken words between them. But for us, it didn't matter. When I arrived, Dana met me at the airport. She was embarrassed that she called, said I didn't need to stay. There was nothing that could of made me leave. Dana was so strong. I'll never believe anything otherwise. Her calling me wasn't an act of weakness. She knew me better than I thought. She wanted me to see a family. Maybe she wanted to reassure me that life if still okay. She needed me to be strong for her. It amazed me. She brought me there to make me feel better. She brought me there knowing what Will's disappearance did to me, what Luke meant to me, and she wanted to help. She wanted me to know that not everything ends in death and pain. She was so beautiful to do that. I spent the next eight days with her mother and brother and his family and I never knew such joy existed. Dana and I took Will for walks and we went to ice cream shops that reminded her of childhood and we went shopping for baby clothes and we spent our nights watching Will sleep and talking about everything we could think of. Maybe she needed the emotional contact as much as I did. I'll never truly understand what brought us together for those eight days, but I will never question it. We came back to D.C. as friends, comrades in arms. We shared a secret only parents can share, that of grieving for a child. I started to spend more time at her apartment, and less time at the office and my house. She would cook us dinner and we would talk and sometimes Skinner would come over too and we would spent the whole night playing poker and other stupid card games and eating microwave popcorn. Work meant less to her, to all of us. We were all so happy Will was alive, we started to forget about his father. We were reminded. It was when Will was almost a year old, during one of our all night gaming nights. I was holding Will, rocking him, trying to get him to go to sleep. Skinner was dealing, Dana was winning so far, so we made her fix us drinks. Right out of the blue, Will looks up at me with his big brown eyes and says his first word - "Dad.....da". I was so shocked I almost dropped him. Skinner just stared at him, his hands in mid-deal. Dana turned around. There was a few seconds where all we could do was look at little William, while he sat there giggling, glad for the attention. Then we all just started laughing. Laughing like we hadn't laughed in months. Dana rushed over and hugged him so tight. It was so amazing. None of us could believe it. Will's first word. He said it one more time before the night was over. He was finally starting to fall asleep, curled up in my arms, and Dana and I went to put him in his crib. I was setting him down when he just opened his eyes, looked right at me, and said it again - "Dad-da". That was when it hit us. He thought I was his dad. The games kind of ended after that. We just all sat, thinking. What did it all mean? I suddenly felt very guilty. Without meaning to, I had taken the greatest thing away from Mulder. I had taken it away from Dana too. She deserved to be the first word. I knew she spent hours talking to Will about his dad. She told him stories about Mulder and how brave he was. Who would have guessed I would be confused for such a man? Skinner left not too long after that, but I stayed. I didn't want to walk out on this before we talked about it, but at the same time, didn't know what to say. Dana went right to her room, and I stayed in the kitchen cleaning up. I took a very long time doing it. That is something I mastered with my first marriage - how to prolong a simple task such as doing dishes. It's amazing what one will do to avoid a confrontation. I guess I stayed out too long because she came to me before I was finished the few dishes we had. I heard her coming, and turned around to face her, setting the dish towel on the counter. I expected her to say many things, but she didn't. She just looked at the grains of the table and said, quietly, "I'm not sorry he said it." I noticed tear streaks down her face, and was about to call her on it when she completely surprised me. "I'm glad it was you," she said, looking at me straightly. It was my turn to examine the table, and I did so, avoiding her gaze. She was determined, and came over to stand next to me, leaning against the counter. "I'm a big girl now," she said, and I had to smile. She went on, "I know that I can't just sit here waiting for Mulder to come back, and Will still needs a father figure. Right now, he's all that matters." She paused, then, "Can you do that for him?" I looked at her, looked into her eyes. I saw nothing but friendship, but for now, that was more than enough. I leaned in slightly, and said, "I will always be there for him." Dana smiled, and I turned to grab her in a quick hug. She wrapped her arms around me and held briefly. "I should go," I said, and I stepped back, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. I mumbled my goodbye, grabbed my jacket and left, a little too quickly. I could feel her looking at my back as I walked out the door and down the hall to the stairs. As I exited the building, I could feel her eyes on me again, this time looking down at me from her window. I didn't know what to think or what to do. I should have stayed, talked with her, told her I understood. I should have told her that finding Mulder was still important to me. I should have told her about Luke and my wife and my life before her. I should have told her how much I loved my son. She knew, but I still should have told her. I felt like I owed her, and by running away, I had let her down. I was a coward, and my life was repeating itself. Only Luke, only Will. I wasn't capable of anything else, no matter how much I wanted it. I drove quickly to my house, running red lights and stop signs, determined to get home, sure that it was only there that I would feel better. I had gotten into one of those foul and miserable moods where you feel your life slip away but you want nothing more than to let it slip, because you think that's all you deserve. I got home, fixed a large drink and sat on my couch looking at pictures of Luke. Luke, my world, my existence. I felt the familiar rage grow over me and I cried out at the injustice of my life. I fell asleep on the couch. I hadn't even removed my jacket or taken off my shoes. The phone woke me up the next morning, and it was Skinner. He wanted to know how it went, and for some unknown reason, I told him. Skinner was a friend, but he was still my boss, and no matter how hung over you are, there are things you just don't tell your boss. But I did, and felt more embarrassed by the second, but also more relieved. I was certain that I could purge it all out and my life would be back to my ideal world. When I was done talking, I felt just as bad, but at least I knew I was not completely alone in the world. From now till I die, I'd always have Skinner hanging around to bug me about what I just told him. He told me to go back to bed, sleep it off, then meet him at Dana's that night. Feeling like I was already at the bottom, I agreed, and slept the rest of the day away. And, of course, I had over reacted, and things were really not that bad. Skinner brought take out to Dana's, and we sat in the living room while they told me stories about Mulder, stories that I had never heard before, about all of his little ways and all the things that made him who he was. I contributed little, mainly sitting in awe of the man who was Will's real father. He was starting to become like a phantom to me, a ghost, a spirit that never existed but was always there. I was a child dreaming of Santa Clause, willing to do almost anything just to catch a glimpse of him. Skinner and I left at the same time, and as we were walking on the front steps, he stopped. I turned, and he said, "I think you're starting to know who Mulder really was. That was the man she fell in love with." He took a step towards his car, still looking at me. "Be a father to that child, but never give up your friendship with her on a dream of something more." He grinned knowingly. "That's not how she works." I nodded, smiled, and he got in his car and drove off. And that's what I did. After years of being just me, I was suddenly a father again. Will grew up, had his first birthday, and his second, and Dana and I were closer than I ever dreamed. I started sleeping on her couch on weekends when I didn't have to work. I went to her family reunions, and, I'm sure more importantly, I was introduced to all her girl friends. According to Will, Dana and I were "Mommy and Dad-da", and there was nothing he loved more that us. It was a dream world for me. I was sure that it I thought about it too much or pushed it too far, the world would shatter and I'd wake up in my apartment with the television on, the perfect example of my pitiful existence. But it did not shatter. It would not shatter for several more years. Soon after Will's second birthday was Dana's birthday, and we wanted it be a special one. You see, in all our dreaming and happiness, there was a nagging worry in us. Since Will's disappearance, Dana had not been able to ever leave his side. She could not leave him with me to run an errand, she could not leave him with Skinner or even her mother. She was terrified for him, of losing him, of having him taken away, this time for good. Mulder was ripped from her life, and she was determined that Will would not be. No matter how much we all tried to dissuade her, tell her that what happened to Will could not have been prevented, it was no ones fault, and it won't happen again, it was no use. She would not leave him. Once we knew for sure that she wouldn't be returning to work, Skinner pulled a lot of strings and got her a consultant job out of her home. She would be able to sit at her computer and look over files and medical data from difficult cases and do what was essentially a typical FBI desk job out of her house. She met with Skinner once a week to review cases, and these meeting were usually at Dana's apartment as well, although on some occasions she brought Will to Skinner's office. So, after a little over a year of this, she wanted to try again to leave Will, and just go out for a short evening. Once again, we called Margaret, who happily came over to watch Will while I took Dana out for a birthday dinner. After much reassuring from Margaret that she felt completely safe and that nothing would go wrong, and from further nagging from Will, who wanted his "Mommy and Daddy" to have fun by themselves so he could be with Grandma and he promised he would be good and please if he was good could he have a cookie, we left. I had planned on taking her to a nice Greek restaurant, maybe get pie and ice cream for dessert at a little café, and then come home. Nothing complicated. Everything simple. We got halfway to the restaurant when Dana asked me to turn back. It really wasn't that bad. Mrs Scully made us all an excellent dinner of what she referred to as "A Scully variation on Chicken Cordon Bleu" which really wasn't that different except she made an amazing sauce to be served with it. We had cake from a mix for dessert, and it was perfect, because we were a family. After Will got over his disappointment that he would not be spending the night with Grandma and probably wouldn't get as many cookies, he had a good time too, especially when it came to the cake. Margaret stayed for a cup of coffee then, despite Dana's insistence that she spend the night, drove home. Margaret was gone, Will was asleep and Dana and I were alone, and I was suddenly reminded of the day when Will was three months old and she came to work and it was the greatest time I'd had. I had almost forgotten that day had started well. I had almost forgotten that the image of her sitting across from me laughing was the only thing that got me through those impossible days after we found Will and before our time in San Diego. I had almost forgotten how much I loved her, and the sudden memory overtook me like a drug. I was lightheaded, and we sat there on Dana's couch where I has slept so many times, and it occurred to me how funny our life was. I loved a woman who I was certain did not love me, and I practically lived in her house and was a father to her son, and in my days, I spent my spare time looking for the man she did love so he could return and throw me out. Where did I really fit in? And then the thought hit me. What would happen when Mulder got back? It was something we never talked about, and being as giddy as I was, I foolishly asked her. We were there sitting on the couch turned towards each other, our fingers touching on the back of the couch, my suit jacket and tie lying on the chair and my shirt collar undone and her shoes off with her legs tucked under her with her hair falling over her eyes and her smile, and I ruined it by asking what would happen when Mulder got back. Never let it be said that I am not a stupid man, because I most certainly am. She took away her hand, and I cursed myself inside. She sat up and looked at her lap. This was hurting her, and it was my fault, and the only thing I could think of to do at that moment was stand up in front of her and hold out my hand. "Dance with me?" I asked, so soft I was afraid she wouldn't hear. She looked up at me as if she didn't understand, and saw me looking like an idiot with my hand out and the most desperate expression on my face, and she smiled. I tried to smile, tried to get in on the joke, but could not. This was the turning point for me. What she did now would affect me forever. I love this woman. I love her more that I can comprehend. When I think about it my insides light up and I get tingles and I smile that stupid love smile that everyone has. There I was, pathetic, my whole life hanging on her response, and she stood up and took my hand and we started to dance, even though there was no music. I had to bend slightly, and she wrapped her arms around my neck and I held her like a man in love, and not like a friend. And she held me back. I kissed her for the very first time that night, but I did not stay. She was not just anybody. She was eternity to me. We were married that summer, and at the end of August, she and Will moved in with me in Falls Church. I had a family again, and I loved it. It was hard for her. I knew she loved me, but leaving her apartment was like saying goodbye to Mulder. He would have no way to find her. I finally suggested that she simply leave her name and address with the girl who took over the apartment, and she did just that. And that was our solution. We both got to move ahead with our lives while maintaining our connection to Mulder. It was so easy. I never suspected it would be just as easy for it to fall apart. But it was. So easy. So very easy. ********************************************************************** ******* It was a good morning. Typical, but I like this life. I didn't mind our routine. It was a Friday. Will had just started kindergarten, so our days usually started with us waking up early, lazing about in bed. Nice. Easy. Wonderful. I would shower, eat, the usual, and go to work. Dana took Will to school and went off to the lab. I suppose now would be a good time to express the change in our lifestyle, especially Dana's, after our marriage. I think the emotional support of married life made it easier for her, but she still could not leave Will alone right away. We didn't have a honeymoon because she could not leave him behind, and you cannot take a two year old on any kind of trip you hope to be romantic. After several months, she was making real progress. She could run an errand, then go shopping. Soon, she was able to go out for an afternoon, go to the movies in the evening. The first time we actually hired a babysitter was a bit tense, and our first overnight trip away from him was almost a nightmare, she was so sick with worry. But on our first anniversary, we were able to safely drop him off at her mothers and we finally went on our honeymoon. One week away from the city, away from our lives, all alone. As I said - wonderful. When we got back, she downgraded her role as an FBI consultant and began to do more pathology work for the bureau. She finally gave up consultant status all together, and just this year has started spending her mornings at the morgue and two nights a week teaching at the Academy. So, anyway, Fridays. In the morning, she was at work. Will only had half day on Fridays, so she would pick him up. When I got home from work, there was a light dinner, and she would go off to teach her Friday night class. (Why anyone would take a class about cadavers on a Friday night I'll never figure out!) So this Friday was pretty ordinary. I had just gotten out of the shower, and we were talking about the weekend while I dressed. "I've got a staff meeting this afternoon, so I'm going to drop Will at your brother's. As soon as the meetings done I've got to run to my class, so you'll have to pick him up." She said all this while sitting up in bed, reading the morning paper (which I had got into the habit of delivering to her each and every morning). Smiling, I walked over to the bed and shook my wet hair out over her. "Hey!" she cried out, throwing the paper at me. Laughing, I jumped onto the bed and pinned her down. I love these moments with her. When we're like this, playful, happy, I'm able to forget all the bad things in my life and just live in the moment. A perfect moment. One that, if I hold on tight enough, can last a lifetime. At times like this I'm just a man in love. Nothing more. It's just us. At the time, I didn't know how fragile it really was. I didn't know that this was the day that would change everything. Perhaps if I did, I would have behaved differently. I don't know. And that's what's killing me. Anyway, I guess we made too much noise because before long Will appeared at the door, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Can't you guys be quiet?" he said in his soft, grown up voice. "I've got school today." He's so proud to be in kindergarten. I love my son. I love being able to call him my son. He's so much like Luke, yet so much his own person. And he's so cute. I mean absolutely adorable and handsome. Someday he's going to really charm the ladies. He makes friends easy, and he likes being at school. He's only been there a little over two weeks, and I think he's adjusting far better and Dana and I. He's growing up so fast, but I guess all parents feel that way. He climbed onto the bed, and I gathered them both in a big hug. Will smiled and cringed. "You're wet, daddy." I growled lightly at him, and starting rubbing my wet hair in his face until he cried out laughing, "Save me, mommy. Save me!" Dana climbed over on top of me, pinning my arms to the pillows, screaming, "Run away child! Run." Will scrambled off the bed laughing. He stopped at the door and turned back to us. "Now be quiet `cuz I've still got ten more minutes till I have to be awake." With that, he bounded back into his room. Dana settled down into a comfortable position on my chest and I wrapped my arms around her, stroking her hair. "So," she said into my T-shirt, "it's okay for you to pick him up today?" I nodded into her hair. "I'll make sure I'm there on time, and tonight, if you leave a list, I'll take him to go and get the rest of the stuff you need for your dessert thing tomorrow." She smiled and stretched. "Thanks." We stayed like that for a couple minutes, loosely tangled, until the sun finally pushed through the blinds. "I should get going," I said, reluctantly. She sighed, and rolled off me, allowing me to climb out of bed. I grabbed my dress shirt, tie and jacket, and went downstairs to the kitchen. When I first moved here, my friends thought it was weird that I bought a house. They said that I wasn't a family man anymore, and that if I ever wanted to "get girls", I needed an apartment, because women were turned off by a house. I don't think more false words were ever spoken. Having a house, a real home, gave me more hope and encouragement in my first years at the FBI than anything, or anyone else. There's something about the security and warmth that comes from a house. It brings back childhood and happy times and memories of family, and when I was alone, I needed that. And, maybe it was just Dana, I don't know, but it seems to me that the image of family and security would attract women, not turn them away. I know that when things got closer between Dana and I, we would spend lots of time at my house because, as Dana said many times, it felt right and safe. So many horrors happened in her apartment that as soon as we married, she was anxious to move away. Apart from her connection to Mulder, it held nothing. And now that she and Will are here, it really is so much more of a home. I love tripping over Will's toys in the kitchen and the Disney movies on the shelves. I love sharing a closet, and actually having nice dishes when we wanted to have a special dinner. It makes me feel so much more alive. I laugh at my still- single friends and their chick-friendly apartments. They don't have a clue. Will walked down the stairs just as I put on my suit jacket, ready to leave. I could hear the shower on upstairs. "Are you gunna save anyone today, daddy?" He asks me this every morning. My usual response is, "That's what I do, Willy-Billy!" and then he laughs because he hates being called "Willy-Billy", and then I leave. Today, I was feeling like something different. I picked him up and kissed his forehead. "I will, just for you," I said, then smiled and set him down on the couch. I grabbed my keys and headed out the door. Will jumped off the couch and followed me out the door to the car. "What, you think you're gonna be an agent today?" I asked him, picking him up and throwing him over my shoulder. He squealed in delight. I walked back to the house, him hitting me on the back. "We couldn't have two Agent Doggett's," I joked. " Everyone would be confused." When we got to the door I bent down and he stood up. I hugged him one more time. "Give mom a kiss for me, okay?" I said. He said he would, and I closed the door, once again smiling. It's all I seemed to do lately. It's been this way for at least a week. I'm always so happy, it's almost annoying me. Last Friday, we held a big barbeque for Will, celebrating his going to school. It was the kind of thing I used to do back in the NYPD, but only the second time Dana and I had thrown a party ourselves. It was great. There's something to be said about just being around friends, having a barbeque, all when the weather is nice and not too hot. Makes people feel alive and normal. No matter what happens, there will always be gatherings like that. I still had a smile on my face when I walked into my basement office. Much to everyone's surprise, I stayed on the X-Files after I got married. People didn't understand why it even needed to be open. It was always Mulder's thing, and after he left, if anybody thought about it, they always concluded that I stayed on to find Mulder to make Dana happy. When we were married, my friends thought I'd give it up, since Dana was happy again. Even Dana has questioned me about it. Sure, I don't believe in everything that comes in that office. Some of it you just have to laugh at. But there is a lot of truth in there, and even more questions. After Will was born and it became clear Dana was not coming to work, I went through the usual amount of bad partners. There were the cocky young ones, the overly dedicated, the mocking and the under-achievers. A little less than a year before Dana and I were married, I finally got a decent partner. More than decent. His name is Curtis Murphy, 37, big, always tanned, widowed, no children, and, recently, has been dating one of Dana's friends way back from the academy. He is one of those good men who respects the work without being fanatical, and is dedicated without obsessing. He believes more than I do, and likes to bug me about it. A bit of a fan of Mulder, he has helped immeasurably in the search for him. We have been so close to the truth so many times. I knew it would be soon. As usual, he was not there yet. No matter what time I get in to work, no matter how early or how late, he always comes in five minutes later. I think he just wants to get out of making coffee, and purposely waits around the corner till I have arrived. So, I put the coffee on, propped my feet up on my desk (the same desk that used to be Mulder's; Curtis is in my old spot) and waited. Like clockwork, he walked in five minutes later, his blonde hair standing up a bit, and his shoes undone. He has such a problem with shoelaces. It's amusing. He looked over at me with my feet up and the goofy smile still on my face. "You're an idiot," he smirked, and hung up his jacket. "So are you," I retorted, and we got to work. Paperwork makes the day go by slowly. I write better than Curtis, so I usually end up writing most of the reports while he goes through any incoming cases and calls to decide what cases to pursue and which ones are false alarms. It works. It's boring. "So," I said, after about five hours of boredom, "what are you up to this weekend?" He looked up from the file he was looking at, startled. I had caught him eating chips. He's always eating. He's one of those types that can eat all he wants and never gain a pound. Dana bugged him about that at the barbeque. He did most of the cooking, and I swear half the burgers he made he also ate. You'd never be able to tell by looking at him that he was actually a human garborator. He wiped crumbs from his face. "Sharon wants me to meet her sister in New York, so we're going to drive there after work. As far as I can tell, this is the unmarried, unattached, uninteresting sister." He paused. "It will be a long weekend." "Hey, man, that's what happens when you hang out with the ladies. You always have to meet their families." I grinned, feeling slightly like a father lecturing his wayward son. "Make sure you're nice, and bring some cheesy gift for her. That always helps." He smiled, eating some more potato chips. "Speaking from experience?" I propped my knee against the desk. "With Dana, no. Her family is great. I did not half to resort to cheesy gifts. But with my first wife, the cheesy gift theory is the only thing that got me out of there alive. They didn't really like me." "That's surprising," he muttered lightly, and I threw a pencil at him. He caught it, and continued eating. "So, how about you? Any plans?" I sat back up in my chair, grabbing the report I was reading. "Yeah, it's my mother-in-law's birthday tomorrow. We're going over for lunch and games and whatnot." I looked up at him. "Dana's making her cherry cheesecake." Curtis grinned. "Well, if there's any leftovers, you know where I live." And the day went on. I left at four, and drove straight to my brother's place, arriving a little before five. My brother Adam, his wife Emily, and their three teenage sons lived in an expensive townhouse. Will loved it there. I saw him at the window when I pulled up, and he ran out to greet me, jumping in my arms. "Oomph," I groaned. "I think you got heavier since this morning." "You're a wus, daddy," Will laughed, and jumped down. "Oh, and who taught you that word?" I teased. "Uncle Adam." "Nice," I muttered, not really upset. Emily greeted us at the door. "I hope he was good," I said, as Will ran to get his shoes and bag. Emily wiped her hands on her pants. "You know you have a perfect son. I don't think he knows how to be bad." Will ran to the door then, his shoes untied. "Let's go shopping," he said. I waved good-bye to Emily, and Will and I drove home, picked up Dana's grocery list, and went to the store. I wish I picked another store. We never really had one we always went to, because there were three about the same distance from the house. I just drove to the first one that popped in my head. I suppose you could say that there was no way I could have known, but it's still a regret. I was helping Will push the cart, and we turned the corner of an aisle a little too quickly, hitting a cart on the other side. "Sorry," I quickly said, then stopped as I recognized who it was. She looked at me, realizing, as well, who I was. "Hey," she exclaimed. "John, isn't it?" I smiled, shaking her hand. "... Sara, right? Sara Wilson?" She nodded her head, then saw Will. "Wow," she said, crouching down. "This must be Will. The last time I saw you, you were only two years old. You've grown." Will grinned shyly, then said, "I grow two inches every day." I laughed. "I bet you do," Sara agreed. She stood up again. "So, how's the apartment," I asked. "Oh, it's great. You know, I never got to really thank you for helping me move in. It meant a lot to me." I shook my head. "No thanks required. We were glad to help. Dana and I had a lot of good times at that apartment." We both paused. I was never any good at small talk. Finally, "So, what brings you so far away from home?" "Oh, a friend of mine lives just around the corner. He's throwing a party and I was commissioned to get all the necessary junk food." "Sounds good. I hope you have a great time," I said, slowly pushing my cart along. I was almost away when she called out, "So, how's that guy doing? He looked pretty sick." I turned around. "What guy?" She pushed her cart up to mine, looking confused "About a week ago, he came by the apartment looking for your wife. I gave him your address." She stopped, seeing my confused expression. "Did he never get there? He seemed so desperate to find you guys." A million thoughts ran through my head at once, so fast that I felt a wave of dizziness. I instantly knew who she was talking about. Panic set in. I wanted to say so many things. Nobody came by. What did he look like? When was this exactly? What happened? What did you do? He never arrived. He never arrived. I don't know if I wanted to confirm or deny my instinct. It couldn't be Mulder. It just couldn't. I couldn't convince myself. In the end, all I said was, "I never saw anyone come by? Did you get his name?" She looked worried. "No, I don't think he told me his name. He just came by really early.... I think it was last Friday, looking for Dana Scully." She paused, as if she felt guilty for him. "He looked pretty banged up. I gave him some money for a cab, but I don't think it would have been enough to get to your place. He still should have gotten there by now, though." I shook my head. "What did he look like?" She described Mulder for me. Described him perfectly. I was excited and terrified all at once. I couldn't get over the fact that he never showed up. Images of death swirled in my mind, and I tried to push them out. I suddenly knew what I had to do. "If I sent you a picture of someone, would you be able to say if that was the same guy?" She nodded. "Absolutely. I'll be at my friends house tonight, but you can email me there." She grabbed a pen and paper from her purse, and quickly jotted down an address. "I'm really worried about him." I took the paper from her. "Me too." I hastily grabbed the remaining things from Dana's list, and drove home, a little too quickly. "What's wrong, daddy?" Will asked when we walked in the door. "Nothing," I replied, not thinking of anything. "Why don't you watch some TV, and I'll start dinner in a couple minutes." Will nodded, and plopped down on the floor in front of the TV. I went down the hall to the den. We kept a lot of Dana's small boxes in there that she didn't want to unpack. One of them, I knew, was labeled "Mulder". I took the box from the shelf, and thumbed through the stacks of photographs that littered the top. There were so many, some of just Mulder, some of Dana, and lots of the two of them. Candid shots, taken in the field, taken at dinners, at each other's home, at Mrs. Scully's home, at the Lone Gunmen's place. I didn't really like looking at this kind of stuff. Mulder has always been my quest, but there is a lot of jealousy in me too. I'm afraid of him, in a way. He's the only one that could destroy everything I have. I found a good one of just Mulder, wearing casual clothes, sitting on Scully's couch. I often wonder about the life they had together. Dana has told me lots, but I know she will never be able to tell me everything. But you could just tell there was something special between them. Again, I tried to push those thoughts out of my mind. Tried to focus. This was my whole work, finding Mulder. I couldn't stop now that I was so close. Funny, in all my years of looking for him, thinking about him, trying to think the way he did, never in all that did I imagine that when I got so close that I wouldn't want to look further. I never knew I would get so jealous. I quickly closed the box and took the picture to the computer. I scanned it and sent it off right away, before I could wimp out. I went to my room, changed out of my suit. Walked to the living room. "So, buddy," I said, rubbing my hands, "what do you want for supper?" My son looked up at me, and his smile made me feel better. I love him so much. I love Dana. I just have to concentrate on that. I stood there, looking at my son smiling up at me, and suddenly everything was okay. I could still be happy. This was a good thing. Mulder was okay. He would be here soon. Dana will be happy, and life will be good. "How `bout we go out to eat?" Will jumped up, turned off the TV and grabbed his shoes. "Let's go!" he said, opening the door. I smiled, and took my son out for dinner. Dana came home at about nine o'clock. Will was in bed, and I had spend the past little while going over and over the email Sara had sent back. She didn't say much, except that the guy at her apartment was defiantly Mulder and that she wished she gave him more money and to keep her posted on him and please let her know when we found him. I had just written a quick note back saying that I would let her know what happened when Dana walked in. I love her. She is half the reason for the smile that is always on my face. Her and Will and my work. I had everything I could ever have wanted. I stood up and went to my wife and wrapped my arms around her, lifting her up slightly. She laughed, and put her arms around me, kissing my neck. "What makes you so happy?" she asked. I set her down and kissed her forehead, her nose, and opened my mouth to tell her.... .... but I couldn't. All of the sudden everything I had planned on saying left me. The safe, happy, excited feeling that I had build up vanished, and I was suddenly the terrified father, fearing that his son Luke was dead. I was the man who spent the night with Dana in the hospital while Skinner looked for her son. I was once again standing in her apartment holding out my hand, wondering if she would accept me and dance with me. I was scared. So scared I could not speak. I grabbed Dana again and pressed my face into her neck, trying not to let the tears come. She rubbed my back, silently asking me what was wrong. I just held on, so scared to let go. I kissed her shoulder, her neck, her face. I held her in my arms, and looked right in her eyes. She looked so worried. I had to make her feel better. "I missed you," I whispered, and she smiled. "I love you," and I picked her up in my arms and took her to our room. And now I'm here lying in our bed, listening to her sleep, and all these thoughts have been running through my head. I love her. I love Will. I really do. But she loves Mulder as well as me. Mulder is the father. Mulder is the one person I always looked for, but never believed I would find, because I knew if he came back then my life would end. I imagine them together again. I can see her telling me that she still loves me, and will always love me, but now that Mulder is back, she must be with him. I see her taking away my son, and it is like my family is dying all over again. Except this is worse than death because I know that they are alive and someone else is taking care of them and making them happy. What if I tell Dana, then we never find him. That would ruin her. I can't let that happen to her. I remember Will this morning, asking me if I was going to save anyone today. I'm not sure. Am I saving Dana by not telling her? Am I saving Will? Or am I only saving myself? Will called me a wus today. I am. I can't tell her, because I'm afraid of what she'll do. Maybe, if I actually find him, I can tell her. But not now. Not now. I wish I never saw Sara in the store today. I wish it was someone else who she saw. I wish it could just be Dana and Will and I and nobody else in the world. I love her. She is my world. Everything in me depends on her to function. She is my universe, my air, water, fire. She is all I need to survive. I am terrified that it's all going to end. So now I'm lying here, naked, vulnerable, and I hear her breathing and suddenly, for no apparent reason, Paul McCartney is in my head, singing about yesterday, and I know how he felt when he wrote that song. Because all I want is yesterday. And that's the one thing I cannot have. ********************************************************************** ******* FINIS. If you liked it, write me. raptorguts@yahoo.ca Don't worry, there's still one more story coming. I'll write it as fast as I can, but remember it took me a year to finally get this one down. Yesterday by Paul McCartney and John Lennon Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away Now it looks as though they're here to stay Oh, I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be, There's a shadow hanging over me. Oh, yesterday came suddenly. Why she had to go I don't know she wouldn't say. I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday. Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play. Now I need a place to hide away. Oh, I believe in yesterday.