Title: Sorrow

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category:DSR

Spoiler: None

Archive: Whereever..Just let me know where

Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles

Feedback: Yes, PLEASE:...j_rothen@yahoo.se

Summary: Not given

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.


She kept on living her life in the room where he had died. 
Sometimes her mind played tricks on her and she kept hearing
his voice. His scent still lingered in every corner of this
apartment. His clothes hung in the closets. She slept in 
his bed, ate with his knife and fork, drank out of his cup.
It was like he had never left. She kept on dreaming that he
would walk through the door at any moment. She knew that
it wasn't possible. But still she clung to that dream. 
She lived like the ghost she was: only half alive. 
She wore his clothes, just be close to him. Sometimes she 
found herself speaking to him. Everywhere she turned his face
was before her. She welcomed him with a smile, wanting the
company of his memory. When she gave herself to the night 
she prayed that God would send her to him. But he wasn't 
listening. Every time she opened her eyes and saw the morning
light her heart ached. She resented God for keeping her on
this earth when her only love was so far away.

He moved slowly, not wanting to intrude in her world. Her face
wore the marks of sorrow and her eyes were painted black with
pain. His heart ached for her. His arms longed to hold her. 
But he feared rejection. He wasn't the man she wanted to be
held by and that hurt. Sometimes he wished that he could 
reach inside her heart and take away all the sorrow that kept
it down. But he knew that he wasn't the man to break the 
chains of sorrow that kept her heart down. She had to
walk that path alone. He knew about sorrow. He knew all to 
well about the pain that can cloud your mind so totally that
you can't breathe. He knew about the desperation of finding
the answer to why. But he knew that the search for an answer
would lead you nowhere. As he stood by her side he prayed
that the passing of time would mend her heart and bring her
closer to him. 

She wanted the pain. She deserved it. Sometimes when she left
the apartment she felt guilty for leaving him behind. The sun 
no longer warmed her face. The world had turned black in a
instance. She was still amazed that the world was still 
standing. Don't they know that he's dead? 
Her lips still longed for his. Her arms still longed for his
embrace. She wanted to hold him. She wanted to feel him close.
Just for a moment. Maybe then she would be fine. Maybe then
her heart could start beating again. But her prayers remained
unheard.

He found her by the window. His heart trembled a bite when
he saw her reflection in the window. She looked so lonely.
He moved towards her, wanting to say something. He wanted to
do something. He wanted to find the right words to ease her 
pain. But he knew all those words would just seem shallow. 
So he just stood there, waiting for her to move.
She knew he was there but she didn't know why he had come.
She wanted to turn around and ask him to leave but she 
couldn't bring herself to push him away. She felt safe knowing
that he was there. 
His hands tremble as he reached out and touched her. 
- Please, let me hold you.
She wanted to slip from his hand. She wanted to push him away.
She didn't want his sympathy. But her need to be held won
over her sense of pride. She moved into his arms and let her
head settle against his chest. No words were spoken. He rapped
his strong arms around her and she felt so safe. She stood 
there her feeling the warmth of his body against her own. The
beating of his heart calmed her a bite. 
- Please, talk to me, Scully.
How can you put sorrow into words? How can you describe the 
pain that eats at your heart? How can you describe the longing
your soul feels? 
- I can't. I feel so dead inside. I can't breathe. When I try
I feel like my whole heart is going to explode. I want him 
back.
She was crying now. She pressed her face against his chest as
the flood of pain hit her again and again.
He wanted so desperately to tell her that she would be fine one
day and there was a light in the darkness. But he knew it 
wasn't the right thing to do. He wanted just to hold her while
was crying.
- I will never hear his laughter. I will never feel the warmth
of his hand in mine. I will never feel his arms around me 
again. Never again. How can I live like that? How can I go
on knowing that. I will never see him again. 
- Yes, you will and you have to believe that. 
- I have stopped believing. I stopped believing the day he 
went away. 
She broke away from his arms and stumbled backwards. 
- He wouldn't like to see you like this. You have to let him 
go.
- Give me you hand. 
He gave it with out hesitation. She placed it over her heart
and said:
- Can you feel it? Can you feel it, John? My heart is 
shattered.
He closed his eyes and whispered:
- Please, Scully. You have to let him go, otherwise it will 
kill you.
- Let death come. I embrace it. 
- Don't say that.
- I can't take this pain any longer, John. I'm so tired of 
feeling like this. I feel so empty. I feel so lost.
- I'm here for you, Scully. Let me help you.
- I wish you could but you can't.
She turned away from him and whispered:
- Please, go.
- Please, let me stay with you. 
- No, I need to be alone right now.
He stood there for a while searching for the right words but
found nothing. He knew he had to let her go. As he turned
around and walked out of the door he prayed that she one day
would find her way back to him.

She listened as his footsteps died away. He was gone. She was
already missing him. But she knew she had to be alone with 
her memories. She feared that her memories started to fade
already. She wanted to cling to them, lock them up in a safe
place. She feared that the memory of him started to fade. 
What would happen when she couldn't remember the color of his
eyes? Or the feel of his lips against hers? Can memories fade?
She wanted to freeze time, fearing that the passing of time
would make her memory blurry. 
She would never feel his arms around her again. She would 
never be able to touch him again. She was completely alone.
She closed her eyes and tasted those words.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.


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