Title: Under My Skin Author: luvinx < luvinx8@yahoo.com > Category: DSF/angst/Doggett POV Timeline: B4 TINH Disclaimer: NOT MINE! Feedback: OK, but it is my very first fic--be gentle to luvinx8@yahoo.com. Dedication: To GA and RP...thanks for bringing 'em to life. Also, to all my SHODDsisters...love ya all...and to Frankie. Author's notes: at the end of the story ---------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------- - He awoke, disoriented and sweaty, freeing himself from the emotional grip of a fleeting dream. Whether it contained his son, his roller coaster past, or his current situation, he couldn't clearly remember. Feelings, heavy and oppressive, hung over him, hinting at some puzzle that had too few pieces in place to capture the whole picture. He stumbled towards his bedroom mirror, shuffling, almost waddling along. Blinking furiously, he tried to either completely remember or completely forget his recent nightmare. If he couldn't remember it in order to fully dismiss it, he'd rather just forget it altogether. He is a man of action; a man who wants it done. He ran his hand through his hair. His appearance was funny, even to himself. His hair stuck out in every direction, in an almost "punkish" style. One-half of his face was bright red, where he had apparently slept on all night. His thoughts then turned to Scully, as they so often did nowadays. "Well," he muttered, "at least it took me about two minutes from waking up to think about her." He imagined her looking as perfect as ever in the morning: her fiery hair immaculate; face smooth and golden; eyes clear and bright. He briskly shook his head. He made his way over to the stereo and popped on the CD player. He always liked whatever CD came on since it was the same few he always selected, and, with how busy he was and how often he was gone, he barely listened to them anyway. FRANK SINATRA. That would work. That would work just fine. He jumped into the shower. When he got out, he strolled to his closet to pick out a clean shirt and tie. There was silence as the CD went from one song to another. And that's when it happened...the air filled with the melodious ache of his heart. He froze in place. I've got you...under my skin......I have got you...under my skin......So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me......I've got you...under my skin......I've tried so...not to give in......And I said to myself this affair, it never will go so well......But why should I try t'resist when Baby I know so well......That I've got you...under my skin......I'd sacrifice anything come what might for the sake of having you near...in spite of a warning voice...comes in the night...it repeats...repeats in my ear......'Cause you know...you fool...you never can win......Use your mentality...wake up to reality......And each time I do...just the thought of you...makes me stop...before I begin......'Cause I got you...under my skin...... He felt as though he had been hit by lightning. The dream had been about Agent Scully. They were on a case out west, in the desert, not far from where they spent their first case together. He closed his eyes, squinting, trying to remember more. Blood...lots of blood...not his blood. He clenched his jaw tighter. Scully...head bleeding...arms stretched out towards him...wordless...arms falling to the ground...eyes closing...chest falling...rising...falling...still...he screamed her name...touched her face...her hair...put his ear to her mouth...no breath...he gives her his breath...he pumps her chest over and over...he is kneeling beside her...he is breathing in and out, in and out...tears are spilling freely now...he leans down and puts his head on her chest...helpless...he failed her again...just like he failed Luke...just like he failed to find Mulder...no matter how hard he tried...how much he gave...how much he CARED...it was hopeless... John roused himself and drew his thoughts from the dream's clutch. Agent Scully was at home. She was OK. She was probably getting ready for work, just like he had been. She wasn't dead. She was fine. He shut the CD off with a quick punch. That was enough. Scully WAS under his skin. He couldn't deny THAT. He also couldn't deny what else he felt. Hopeless. Helpless. Agent Scully may be alive, but, as much as I care and try to help, I have done almost nothing for her. All that's happened is that Scully is in my dreams. "More importantly," he whispered to himself, "she is in my heart." THE END ---------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------- - Author's notes: Couple of things. I had to describe Jawn's walk as a waddle just once; ever since Via Negativa--I cannot help it--just go watch it again, especially when he goes into Skinner's office and tells him he thinks he is dreaming-- seriously--just go watch it--I am not crazy. Also, I love Frank Sinatra, if you couldn't tell. I heard this song, which is an alltime fav, and this little story popped out. Hope y'all liked it...let me know. I kinda wanted to create a parallel between the song, the dream, and John Jay's life...let me know if I succeeded. Later. Addendum to notes: I changed a few things to this story since it was originally posted on the SHODDS list. Not much, just a little here and there. Oh, and contrary to what is stated above, I AM crazy!! J