JULY 4, 1999
FOX MULDER'S APARTMENT
Forgetting that it's Independence Day Fox Mulder
sits at his desk, typing rigorously on his computer. The words flow
from his fingertips: alien, green blood, merchandise, tests, conspirators,
colonization. He stops typing and bites his lower lip when he hears
the sound of a firecracker bursting in the alley of his apartment
building. He removes his reading glasses and stands up, raises the
blindes and looks down and sees his old friend (and rival) from high
school, Alex Krycek. He's shirtless in the alley and blowing up firecrackers
in a tin bucket.
The idgit, Mulder thinks to himself.
Mulder scratches his fingernail on the residue
of masking tape on his window, which forms the shape of an X. Should
he bother going down to the alley to tell this little nimwit that
it's illegal to blow up firecrackers in such an enclosed space?
He looks down, and cringes, seeing that Krycek
is waving at him, summoning him down to play. Quickly, Mulder darts
away from his window and ducks in front of his desk. He feels like
an idiot. Keeping low, he reaches up to close the window blinds, he
pulls on the string and the blinds fall down with a loud CRASH.
"Shit." Mulder said under his breath.
There's a knock on his door, and he knows with
certainty that it is Krycek because the knocking is annoying and persistent,
just as Alex was back in high school. He rolls his eyes and stands
up. He kicks the blinds off to the side.
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. KNOCK! KNOCK!
Mulder opens the door with much annoyance. How
the hell did this ninny get up here so quickly anyway?
"What do you want, Alex?" Mulder said.
Alex Krycek stands in front of him, giddy as
a school girl. A very doofy grin on his face.
"Come out and play! It's the Fourth of July!"
He grins and pushes past Mulder and enters his apartment. "The
ladies are coming, I called them over. Hey, do you have a big
Mulder tries to raise his eyebrow like his pretty
partner, Scully, but can't. He gets preoccupied with trying to do
this and pokes his finger at his eyebrow. Krycek rolls his eyes and
grabs Mulder's hand to stop him.
"Seriously, I need a big potato."
"Why do you need a big potato?"
"Because I'm going to blow it up and all
the ladies will love me." Krycek explained.
Mulder rolled his eyes. Of course his little
buddy would want something big to blow up to impress the ladies.
"You're such a dork, you know that?"
Mulder said unenthusiastically.
"I'd rather be a dork than a four-eyed big
nosed loser who lost his sister when he was six." Krycek sneers
back in a sing-song-y-elementary-school-bully-kind-of-way.
Mulder's expression doesn't crack. He's not going
to fall for one of Krycek's idiotic attempts at a yes-no fight.
"I was twelve." Mulder corrected the
"Six, nine, whatever."
"Twelve." Mulder stressed, he never
said nine, but knows his little idiotic buddy just wanted to say sixty-nine.
"Whatever, are you coming or not?"
Krycek was eagerly awaiting an answer.
Mulder eyed him suspiciously. Why, when Krycek
was shirtless and out to get the ladies attention by blowing up a
giant potato, would he want competition involved... unless... (Mulder's
eyebrow lifted, just like his pretty partner's, but he didn't notice)
the ladies weren't coming at all and this was a set up to get him
to hit on a lesbian.
Once upon a time, after Mulder's high school
graduation, he and Krycek set up camp in Las Vegas. Unknowingly back
then, Mulder had flirted and gone out on a date with a transvestite,
and ever since then Krycek has wanted to trick him into doing that
again. He was confused by the term "transvestite" and "lesbian"
so he always said he wanted to see Mulder date a lesbian again.
Mulder sits down to put on his new running sneakers.
He does his best to keep an eye on his little buddy Krycek. Halfway
through tying a knot he watches Krycek enter into the kitchen. A few
seconds later he walks into the living room just as Mulder stands
Mulder can't help but look down at his little
buddy's package, it's bigger than it was a moment ago. He tries the
Scully eyebrow raise again with no success. Apparently he can only
do this when he's not trying.
Krycek waves a big potato in the air and smiles
big. "I got the potato to blow up to impress da ladies!"
"And one in your pants, I see."
Krycek is offended, completely and utterly offended
by this accusation.
"I do not have one in my pants, little miss...
well... little miss big one in your pants!" He scoffs.
"Miss?" Mulder's eyes widened. "Miss?
In the likely event that you are confused, Krycek, I'm a 'mister'
or 'sir'. The term 'miss' is reserved for unmarried or young ladies.
Not guys." He whacks Krycek over the head.
"Hey! Watch the do, yo! Geez!"
"Get the potato out of your pants."
Mulder urges, wanting to save his little buddy's reputation.
"No! You get the potato out of yours first!"
"I don't have a potato in my pants."
"You do to!"
"I do not!"
"You do to!
"I do not!
"I DO NOT!"
At this, Krycek tackles Mulder to the ground
and suddenly the front door to Apartment 42 swings open and Scully
and Skinner enter the room. They stop upon seeing two adult men wrestling
on the floor. The boys have no idea that they are being watched (and
Skinner turns to Scully. "Why'd you drag
Scully puts her index finger over Skinner's lips
to shut him up. She's actually curious as to what the two idiots are
fighting about. It's a sick curiosity really.
Both Scully and Skinner's faces turn white when
they watch in horror as Mulder reaches down into Krycek's pants!
"Ooooh! Mulder!" Krycek exclaims.
"Stop making this more gay than it should
be, Krycek!" Mulder exclaims.
"But you're the gay one!" Krycek shouts
back. "You're the one with your hand on my large willie!"
"It's on a potato you moron!" Mulder
"You want me baby, oh yeah." Krycek
"YOU'RE GAY!" Mulder yells. "Not
that there is anything wrong with that, but you should just come out
of the closet already. There's no shame in hiding who you really are!"
"I AM NOT!" Krycek yells back. "I'm
with Marita and we love each other! We do it all the time!"
Scully leans to Skinner. "That's a lie.
She hasn't been laid by him in six months." She whispers to the
Skinner smirks and finds this tidbit of information
"When do we stop them?" Skinner asks.
"If they start to kiss." Scully watches
on as the boys wrestle on the floor.
Suddenly, the giant potato that was in Krycek's
pants, flies across the room, heading right for Skinner's head. BOING!
It hits him hard and even though Skinner is a strong and burly man
he collapses to the floor. As he falls he hits his head on the door
frame of the front door. He hits the floor with a loud THUD.
The neighbors below Mulder's apartment bang loudly
on their ceiling, which can be heard and felt on Mulder's apartment
Scully looks disapprovingly at Mulder and Krycek,
who are still looking like they're crawling all over each other. They
both look at her with that deer caught in headlights look. To prove
his point Krycek grabs onto Mulder's head and plants a big wet kiss
on his lips. All the while Mulder struggles to push Krycek off of
We still wonder, how this action is proving any
Finally, Krycek stops kissing him and stands
up, his hands proudly on his hips.
"Scully, see you have proof now that Mulder's
the gay one, NOT me!"
"Don't you two realize what you've done
Krycek looks down at Skinner who remains unconscious
on the floor.
"No. What am I supposed to realize?"
Behind Krycek, Mulder stands up and runs towards
his bedroom and slams the door shut.
"Assistant Director Skinner was hurt by
you two nimrods!"
"So? He's not my boss." Krycek grins.
"Say, are you two still bangin' each other like in high school?"
Scully places a strand of hair behind her ear.
"No, we stopped being involved like that after I graduated."
She lies, but Krycek falls for it anyway.
Mulder comes out of his bedroom, swishing winter
green flavored Scope in his mouth. Scully raises an eyebrow wondering
if Krycek gave him tongue. Mulder motions to Krycek to come to him.
Like the cocky little dude that he is, Krycek
swaggers over to Mulder and says "whaaz up?"
Suddenly Mulder spits the Scope into Krycek's
Flailing like a wiggle worm, Krycek falls to
the floor screaming "Ah! It hurts!" and "Oh my vanity"
and "I'm gonna get you for this you big nosed punk ass jerk!"
Mulder turns with beaming pride to Scully and
"Now let's take care of that big, bald,
beauty on the floor." Mulder says as he marches up to Skinner's
"And what are you planning to do, Mulder?"
Scully questions, knowing Mulder has exactly zero hours of medical
"Oh you know..." He 'explained', "Just
an old Mulder Family trick."
Scully nods. "Because your family had a
tendency to be knocked unconscious?"
Mulder looks up at her seriously. "No. We
have a need for corrective lenses and a tendency to be abducted! ABDUCTED!"
"What ever. What is this family trick?"
"Well, it's simple really... first we sit
on the person's tummy." He sits on Skinner's tummy. "Then
we use this peanut butter," He continues, pulling out a jar of
peanut butter from his pocket. "And we shove the peanut butter
up his nose. You see, Scully, those in the Mulder family are bestowed
the gift of large nostrals, so when we fake passing out, as I suspect
our bald, beautiful friend here, to have done, all you have to do
is shove this crunchy peanut butter up his nose--"
Mulder proceeds to stick his finger deep into
the peanut butter jar. He holds up a HUGE glob of peanut butter on
his finger for Scully to see.
"-- and stick your finger right up into
Mulder sticks his finger up Skinner's nose.
"Mulder?" Scully is unamused. "Don't
you think by now if he were faking it that he'd 'wake up' by now?"
Krycek stands up, rubbing his eyes. He looks
down at Mulder as he sits on Skinner with his finger up his nose.
"You know we could get some fireworks and
put it in his mouth. Anyone can fake dead even with peanut butter
up their nose, but..." he giggles, "but if someone were
to light a fire cracker and stick it in his mouth, for sure he'd come
Scully is horrified. Words can't come from her
mouth. She makes a few exasperated gasping sounds while shaking her
"Umm... I'm not sure about that little buddy.
Fireworks could kill him."
"Or it could make him lose the rest of his
hair. That'd be really funny."
Krycek starts chuckling at the thought of a totally
bald Skinman. Mulder rolls his eyes, and holds back his giggling because
Scully is standing only two feet away from him.
Suddenly, Scully grabs Mulder's finger out of
Skinner's nose and smacks him on the nose, as if she were housetraining
"No!" She yelled. "You two are
stupid morons! Did it ever occur to you that Assistant Director Skinner-"
"-Oh stop the fancy pants talk!" Krycek
screamed. "We all know you call him Wally Big Shoes in the bedroom!"
Scully stops. Her mouth dropped open in shock.
How the hell did that little weasly know what she called him.
Mulder sniggers. "Turtle! Eek!" He
mocks the sound of Skinner and Scully in the bedroom.
Scully turns and hits him. "Why you- you-
"Why'd'ya call him Eek, anyhoo?" Krycek
"I DON'T CALL HIM EEK! AND I DON'T CALL
HIM WALLY BIG SHOES!"
"Why does he call you turtle? Do you take
a long time to get off. I hate women who don't get off as quickly
as I do." Krycek said.
"Actually I think he calls her turtle because
once in high school, you weren't there Alex, you had dropped out,
she was a green, bright green turtle for Halloween, and they screwed
each other in Marita's bedroom at the -"
"-SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Scully
screams and jumps up and down with her fists balled up in fury.
Mulder and Krycek share a giggling look and both
mouth off to each other, at the exact same time. "Hehe, yo. We
made mom go nutty, dude!"
A scratchy sound is heard from the floor. The
three of them turn around and look down as Skinner lies there with
his tongue hanging out, and he's scratching his index finger on the
floor, his eyes are bugged.
Skinner starts to sing. "Why this car is
automatic! It's systematic, it's hydromatic! It's greased lightnin'!
With new pistons, plugs and shocks I'll be dancing till I rock! You
know that I ain't braggin', I'm just into hot rod riding, greased
"Wow, Skinner, you're a real John Travolta,
ain't'chya?" Inside, Krycek is really jealous that he knows the
words to the song. "I'm so jealous, you fucking bastard."
Scully scurries to Skinner's side.
"Oh! Wally Big-" She stops herself
just in time. She can hear the little "girls" giggling at
"Why the hell are you two here anyway? Geez."
Krycek is annoyed.
Mulder turns to Krycek, hands on his hips. He
catches himself and crosses his arms across his chest.
"Alex, this is my apartment. I invited them
here... I think."
SUDDENLY! A firecracker breaks through the window,
right through the X (bullseye!) and errupts with a blinding fury that
makes everyone shriek! The exposion is blinding and Mulder and Krycek
hit the deck!
Skinner, stands up, frightened! He's still trying
to figure out what is going on and his natural reflexes aren't working
"Cue-ball! Yo! Mr. Clean! Get DOWN... tonight.
Yeah! Oh, get down tonight." Krycek starts to sing, but stops
suddenly when he sees fire coming towards his beauty. "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
HELP ME! SAVE ME! LOVE ME!"
"Fucking retard." Mulder mumbles, temporarily
forgetting his apartment is on fire. "EEK!" He shrieks.
Scully helps Skinner out the door. "We're
leaving and never coming back."
Skinner nods. "I still don't know how you
got me here in the first place."
"I love you, Wally Big Shoes."
"I love you too, Turtle."
The two of them quickly make their way to the
stairwell. Fire truck sirens are heard coming towards the apartment
The big red truck pulls up outside the window
of Apartment 42 to see two grown men, dangling from the window sill.
"Save me!" Krycek wails and looks down
at the five firemen waiting to save him. "Say Mulder, do you
think there's a cute one down there?"
"If I weren't grasping on for dear life
to my window sill, I'd smack you a good one!" Mulder fires back.
"This is all your fault! If you would have educated yourself
for once in your dimwhitty little life, you would know NOT TO PLAY
WITH FIREWORKS IN TIGHT ENCLOSED SPACES!"
"Yeah well, if you-"
"Oh don't you dare blame this on me!"
"You are not!"
"I am too!"